Marky B

Well done,lads [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clapping.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clapping.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clapping.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clapping.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clapping.gif[/img]
Ta Ta
Marky B [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsup.gif[/img]

I am special. The heavens always open for me.

theuofc

Hi, Famous Mortimer,

I wish it'd been real too. It would have been great fun to see Bogarde in it and not just his Agent 008 3/4. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/thumbsup.gif[/img]

Cheers,

Barbara

Johnny Rico

Vinnie - 'Ere Alfie , Woss this Carry On lark all abahrt . All we seem ta do is nearly say rude stuff.

Shane - It's called Innuendo

Vinnie - Flippin 'eck *, I fort that was an Italian Suppository * Moderated for Adult Content

Shane - Thats almost funny

Vinnie - Careful! So I say " Big One " and everyone laughs!

Shane - Thats abahrt the size of it

Vinnie - 'Ere D'You just make that up. They 'ad a show where they did that ...what was it ..improvement ...like where you say what comes into your head...

Shane - We could be in for a long wait!

Vinnie - Woss the name of that show? ..." Give us a Quick one" ...Nah...Summit like that

Shane - Wasn't that Lionel Blair?

Vinnie - Now your takin the Mickey* , what would the Prime Minister be doin a show like that? Nah , it was that little Baldy fella oo sounded posh ...Gerry Anderson , thats the Geezah!

Shane - Nah , thats the Bloke oo used to work wiv stiff, wooden Actors

Vinnie - You worked wiv 'im then?

Shane - I never 'ad this with Ross Kemp!

Director - Tea Breaks over ,Loves, lets leave the post-modern irony and get back to churning out this soon-to-be substandard Sun-Reader Rubbish. ACTION!

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

samkydd

Vinnie: 'Ang abaht, I've been readin' the script and I'm afraid I must object to the writers portraying all shaved and baldy headed ignorant white London working class blokes as being stereotypically pseudo-Cockney jolly Jack-the Lad shady dodgy geezers living in some fantasy underworld inhabited by latter day Kray twin clones, drivin' abaht in Jags and Range Rovers, handling stolen goods, and gaining instant access to nightclubs, gambling dens, and non-existant East End Victorian pubs after hours, rubbing shoulders wiv minor celebritites, and for whom violence is just part of the daily routine, and whose girlfriends and wives are all blonde tarty and thick bank robber's wife types with a mother-in-law who used to be a blonde tarty and thick bank robber's wife type back in the 70s! It's pure fantasy!

Director: That's not the script Vinnie, it's your autobiography! You've mistaken gruffness for hardness, so gruff you may be hard, nah! So if you don't read your lines like a good little boy I'll give you a slap!

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

Harbottle

I see a rare movie poster has been found, for a picture that sadly was not made:

Johnny Rico

Some Celebs visit the Set of " Carry on Vinnie"

Damon Albarn - 'Ello Lads , 'Ow ya Doin'

Vinnie Jones-----Who the **** are you?

Damon Albarn - It's me , Damon Albarn , Cheeky professional cockney from Blur

Vinnie Jones-----Never 'eard of yer!

Damon Albarn - Gorillaz?

Vinnie Jones-----Where? No-one said we wuz gonna have Monkeys?

Guy Ritchie-----Strike a Light , 'Ello Vinnie my old muckah!

Vinnie Jones-----'Ere , I know You! You're married to Maradona!

Guy Ritchie------I say , old chap, er ( remembers to be Mockney )...luv a Duck , Geezah , Dahhhhnnn the Old Kent Road....?

Vinnie Jones-----What ARE you goin' on abahrt?

Jamie Oliver------'Ere I am , Lads ...er...pearly Kings....pukkah...sorted..er..Mind the Gap

Vinnie Jones-----Oh **** , theres more of 'em!

Shane Ritchie----This lot are abahrt as Cockney as the Beatles

Director-----------I've told you Vinnie , keep your colourful underworld clubland and legitimate Businessman friends off set! Really , how am I supposed to work under these conditions? I could have got Martin Kemp!

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

Steve Crook

Nice work

Steve

Johnny Rico

LOL [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/clapping.gif[/img]

Double O Ooh No Missus!

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

Johnny Rico

A huge Warehouse , full of rather cheap looking Sofas. A Bewildered man looks hungrily at the exit.

Martin Kemp --- If only ..I could...reach ....exit

Man from SCS - Oh No, Mister Kemp, You have many more of these SCS Sofa Ads to film...there is no escape! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

Johnny Rico

Carry On Vinnie

Shane : 'Ere , whats it like running arahnd with the X Men?

Vinnie : 'Old up , you imploding that I 'ang abaht with them Bifocals and Transits?

Shane : Nahh , that film wiv Baldy out of Star Wars and that tasty Bird wiv the dodgy Irish - Halle, ..er ..Halle?

Vinnie : Halitosis?

Shane : Nahh ,

Vinnie : Haliborange?

Shane : Halle Berry .....

Vinnie : Never 'eard of 'im . Nah relation to Mike Berry and the Searchers woz ee? My old man liked them

Shane : TAXI!

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

samkydd

Enter several people with questionable Cocker-ney accents who've got parts simply because of their previous work in The Sweeney, Minder, and The Bill many years before playing minor roles of stereotypical villainous shady characters with questionable Cocker-ney accents spouting ridiculous made-up rhyming slang and tired old cliches, but whose faces are familiar to the British public and therefore synonymous with the genre, but unfortunately can't act for toffee:

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

Johnny Rico

I'm fairly sure that Dexter Fletcher , Jason Statham, Jason Flemyng, Mike Reid and the other suspects are in some kind of Cockney Union [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] As long as the Public subscribe to the Guy Ritchie / Matthew Vaughn Movie then they have a Job.

The whole shooting match only works when you have a writer of the calibre of Kennedy-Martin - someone who has a feel for the criminal underworld. The current crop have gangsters being all post-modern and ironic with their speech patterns ( albeit in Mockney accents )

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

Johnny Rico

Vinnie : 'Ere whats all this abaht the Post-Modern ? I stayed at one in Newcastle once - nuffink wrong wiv it.

Shane : So whats your view on Anarcho Syndicalism?

Vinnie : I know this one ! Hasn't Harry Redknapp signed him for Pompey?

Dexter : Any room on this film for me . I can't hack anuvver series of that Hotel rubbish!

Vinnie : 'Ang on - aint that the one wiv that Tamsin Bird in it - used to be in that c***ers wiv Shane!

Shane : She's in most things these Days - I'm surprised she aint doing ads for Comet!

Dexter : Listen , I can do all the Double- wossnames , er " Ooh Missus , Room for a little one! "

Vinnie : There's no call for that sort of language , Fletcher! This is a family film!

Shane : Actually, Vinnie , you're wr....

Vinnie : YOU WHAT?

Shane : You're. right, Carry On is about as naughty as the Test Card compared to all that Hard Core they show on 5!

Vinnie : Yeah , that sort if thing is absolutely ...er what times it on?

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

samkydd

Alan Ford: In the words of the Queen "come again".

Director: No it's not "come again" it's "come again?"

Alan Ford: Thass wot I said, "come again".

Director: No Alan, it's a question not a statement? You cocked the same line up in Snatch! Just say, "come again?"

Alan Ford: come again.

Director: Is there anyone else we can use Nikkki, it's like pulling teeth!

Alan Ford: 'Amsteads you mean.

Director: Eh?

Alan Ford: 'Amstead 'Eaf - teef! I know 'em all mate.

Director: Just leave the set will you? Out come on, out, out, out!

Alan Ford: Awlright I'm goin', there's no need to act like a Sir Anthony!

Exit Ford

Director: Whose next on the Cockney Caper Casting Company's list of "actors" Nikkki?

Nikkki: Peter Dean.

Director: Come again?

Nikkki: Peter Dean he used to be Pete Beale in Eastenders, Ian's dad! You remember, the one who managed to get a huge market stall full of fruit and veg into the back of a tiny Mini van every day.

Director: Oh yes I remember those days, Eastenders seemed to lose all credibility after that!"

Nikkki: The only problem is that he insists on his character in this film being called Peter or Pete so that he knows when it's his turn to speak.

Director: You are joking of course?

Nikkki: He hasn't worked since leaving Eastenders, but he has auditioned for several key roles; Peter the Great, Peter Rabbit, Peter Pan the panto and also as a new presenter on Blue Peter, and also screentested for Spiderman.

Director: Spiderman?

Nikkki: Yes but he could only do the Peter Parker lines, when had to do Spiderman's dialogue he completely lost the plot!

Director: That's it I quit!

Dean: Stweuf who's rattled 'is cage?

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

Johnny Rico

Vinnie : 'Ere Shane , that Geezah off your old show was anging abahrt .

Shane : 'Ee must think they're casting for The Bill/Holby City/Casualty..Ooo was it?

Vinnie : Pete Summit

Shane : Pete Dean?

Vinnie : Yerss , James' Lad

Shane : Ee was very proud of his fruit and veg. What appened to 'im?

Vinnie : That Director fella ordered him off the set and ol' Pete wouldn't Go!

Shane : So what did you Do?

Vinnie : I grabbed his Plums!

At this point the Trombone section produces a fruity WAHHH-WAHHHHH

Vinnie : Was that you? You'll ave to lay off the Raisin Wheats!

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier