Johnny Rico

A query on Dick Emery got me to thinking of this ( very old ) gag

*Man with raspy voice ( Emery ) ---" Can I have a 99 please?"
Ice Cream Man----------------------" Crushed Nuts? "
Emery--------------------------------" No, Laryngitis! "

or maybe an Eric n' Ernie

*British Officer ( Pete Murray ? ) " Have You got the Despatches? "
Eric Morecombe------------------" No , it's just the way i'm sitting! "
British Officer---------------------" I'm expecting a 25 Pounder! "
Eric Morecombe------------------" There's no answer to that! "

and another

* Andre Previn -----" Your playing all the wrong notes ! "
Eric( menacing)----" i'm playing all the RIGHT notes...just not necessarily in the right order! "

All donations to the classic comedy lines gratefully accepted !

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

Harbottle

The first one "crushed nuts" was Stanley Baxter, it's on the DVD set...... Not to say it was not later half inched by another artiste.

djdave

From 1954's Doctor In The House.

Dirk Bogarde's Simon Sparrow is a medical student at St Swithins: along with several other students, he is going on ward rounds with the great Sir Lancelot Spratt (played by James Robertson Justice).

But Sparrow is ogling another student, as Spratt begins to talk about the time it takes blood to stop flowing from a cut i.e. the "bleeding time".

Sprat: "You. What's the bleeding time?"
Sparrow: [looks at watch] "10 past 10"

I know this wasn't a TV programme, BUT.....the films inspired the Doctor In The House TV series.

716Jones

Dad's Army, Private Pike has just sung an insulting song about Hitler to a captured U-boat crew.

U-boat captain, "What is your name?"

Capt Mainwairing, "Don't tell him, Pike!"

Cracks me up every time I see that episode.

Freddy

Only Fools And Horses.

Rodney enters the flat and tells Del he's going to run for the council as he is shocked by the declining standards of the Peckham Estate.

Del agrees with him

Del: "Too true Rodders, in fact only this morning I bumped into Mrs. Jones returning from the police station after reporting that she'd been sexually assaulted on Friday".

Rodneyagitated) "There you are, there you are, this estates going down the nick, its not safe for law abiding citizens to walk the streets anymore,
PAUSE
Hang on Del, it's Thursday today, how come its taken her so long to report it"

Del (puffing on his cigar) "The cheque bounced"

"What I owe you Colonel Lawrence, is beyond evaluation."

Miss Fritton

Porridge - During a health check Fletcher is determined to be diagnosed with flat feet & complains at every opportunity about them until:-

'Are you now or have you at any time been a practising homosexual?' asks the Medical Officer.

'What? With these feet?'

Johnny Rico

Porridge
*******

Someone fits up Fletch by concealing a Bottle of Whiskey in his Cell. Mr Mackay announces a Cell Search and inevitably finds the Whiskey

Mackay ( Brandishes Whisky ) : "Whats This , Fletcher? "
Fletcher ( aggrieved )-----------: " It's a Plant , Mr Mackay! "


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Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

Marky B

Another one of the great duo's sketches,is of Dame Shirley Bassey singing Smoke gets In Your Eyes and the two lads trying to replace Shirley's shoe with an old workboot. How she kept a straight face,I'll never know...
Ta Ta
Marky B

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know

Johnny Rico

Another one of the great duo's sketches,is of Dame Shirley Bassey singing Smoke gets In Your Eyes and the two lads trying to replace Shirley's shoe with an old workboot. How she kept a straight face,I'll never know...
Ta Ta
Marky B

************************************************** *********************************

LOL ! Classic!

One of my faves was the Lads dancing a Latin Number with a well known actress ( so well known , i've forgotten! ) . The Bossa Nova style music is punctuated by fruity sounding PAAARRRRPPPPs from the Brass Section - at which point Eric looks accusingly at the actress !!

You can watch them again and again - they were that rare combo of machine-tooled comedy combined with genuine affection for each other.

Couldn't You just try acting , Old Boy...It's so much easier

Marky B

Morecambe and Wise were and still are the greatest comedy duo that Britain has ever produced. Whilst The Two Ronnies provided excellent sketches and routines,they were still two independent comedians brought together for a showpiece,which worked, but Eric and Ernie were two clowns,who had been together since childhood and had bonded together so much,that being apart was unthinkable.
With M&W,there were no straight men - they were both idiots,with Ernie having the pomposity that he was the genius of the two,and Eric was the little boy lost who deflated Ernie's self ego,but as you said Johnny,they had affection for each other.
They slept together in the same bed,but homosexuality was NEVER an issue.
Eric put up with Ernie's plays,despite the fact they were terrible.
They had major stars appearing on their shows,all brought down to the zenith of Eric and Ernie,for example as Johnny pointed out,Eric's classic slap of Andre Previn,Peter Cushing coming back demanding payment for his appearance and was offered a firewood round instead,Eric Porter reminding viewers that he had once appeared on the M&W show and he was now a dustbin man,Laurence Olivier picking up a telephone,saying yes to a Christmas show,but on learning it was the Morecambe & Wise show,changed his accent to "velly solly,this is the Chinese restaurant",with a strained relief on his face.
Angela Rippon
Penople Keith
Cliff Richard
Glenda Jackson
The Dad's Army Crew
All the BBC newscasters for their There's Nothing Like A Dame musical number
Dame Shirley Bassey
Hannah Gordon
Sir Elton John
Sir Tom Jones
Jack Jones
I am sure that others would recall other great moments from the M&W years at the BBC (their latter years at ITV are best forgotten). However,I would still say that if Wise had gone first,Morecambe would have been as lost as Wise was without Morecambe - as they were not a double act,they were a single act,inseparable,bonded,unique,a standard in British entertainment yet to be surpassed. They brought us fun,they brought us sunshine,they brought us love. Eric and Ernie - I salute you

Ta Ta
Marky B

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know

David Brent

Couldn't agree more Marky. Morcambe and Wise were the greatest.
I was lucky enough to see them live on stage in England in the early seventies and they were brilliant.
I ached in pain from laughing so much.

Morcambe & Wise started the two in a bed routine chiefly as a copy of Laurel & Hardy who also were often seen sharing a bed in their films.

Dave.

Marky B

An iron monger's shop. A shop that sells anything - garden equipment,ladies tights,builders supplies,mousetraps - everything. Ronnie Corbett has jsut a served a lady with a toilet roll. He is not too bright.
RONNIE CORBETT:There you are,mind how you go.
Woman exits,Ronnie Barker enters - a workman. Not to bright either.
RC:Yes,sir?
RB:Four candles?
RC:Four candles? Yes,sir. (He gets four candles from a draw)
RB:No. Fork handles!
RC:Four candles. That's four candles!
RB:No,fork handles - handles for forks.
RC:Oh,fork handles. (He gets a garden fork handle from the back of the shop) Anything else?
RBLooks at his list) Got any plugs?
RC:What sort of plugs?
RB:Bathroom - rubber one.
(RC gets box of bath plugs,holds up two different sizes).
RC:What size?
RB:Thirteen amp!
RC:Oh,electric plugs! (Gets electric plug from drawer). What else?
RB:Saw tips!
RC:Saw tips? What you want,ointment?
RB:No,tips to cover the saw.
RC:Oh. No,we ain't got any.
RB:Oh. Got any hoes?
RC:Hoes? Yeah. (He gets a garden hoe from the garden department)
RB:No - hose.
RC:Oh,hose. I thought you meant hoes. (He gets a roll of garden hose).
RB:No,hoes.
RCGives him a dirty look) What hose (He gets a packet of ladies tights from a stand). Pantiehose,you mean?
RB:No O's! - letter "O's" - letters for the garden gate.
RC:Why didn't you say so? (He gets ladder,climbs up to cupboard high up on a wall,gets down box of letter) Now,O's - here we are - two?
RB:Yeah.
RC:Right. (He takes box back up ladder and returns). Next?
RB:Got any P's?
RC:Oh ,my gawd. Why didn't you bleenin' say while I'd got the box of letter down here? I'm working the guts out here,climbing about all over the shop,putting things back back and gettin' em out again. Now then. (He is back with box) How may - two?
RB:No - peas. Three tins of peas.
RC:You're having me on,ain't yer! (He gets three tins of peas).
RB:No I ain't. I meant tinned peas.
RC:Right. Now what?
RB:Pumps
RC:Pumps? 'And pumps or foot pumps?
RB:Feet
RC:Foot pumps. Right (he goes off,returns with foot pump) Right.
RB:No,pumps for your feet! Brown pumps,size nine.
RC:You are having me on. I've ahd enough of this. (He gets them from drawer) Is that the lot?
RB:Washers.
RCExasperated) Windscreen washers,car washers? Dishwashers? Hair washers? Backscrubbers? Lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
RB:Half inch washers?
RC:Tap washers! Here give me the list. I'm fed up with this. (He reads list and reacts) Right! That does it. That's the final insult (Calls through door) Elsie! Come and serve this customer - I've had enough!
(RC stalks off,Elsie enters - a big,slovely woman with a very large bosom. She takes the list. Reads it)
Elsie:RIght,sir - what sort of knockers are you looking for?

Ta Ta
Marky B

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know

Marky B

That was a funny sketch from a host of funny sketches from The Two Ronnies,who in my opinion were a close second to M&W. Now here are some funny moments from Little & Large and Cannon & Ball.......



































Ta Ta
Marky B

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know

Rob Compton

Not to be outdone then, marky, how about:

Bluebottle What time is it Eccles?
Eccles Err, just a minute. I, I've got it written down 'ere on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
Bluebottle Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?
Eccles Well, umm, if a anybody asks me the ti-ime, I ca-can show it to dem.
Bluebottle Wait a minute Eccles, my good man...
Eccles What is it fellow?
Bluebottle It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.
Eccles I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o'clock.
Bluebottle Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
Eccles Ah, den I don't show it to dem.
Bluebottle Ooohhh...
Eccles [Smacks lips] Yeah.
Bluebottle Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
Eccles I've got it written down on a piece of paper!
Bluebottle Oh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.
Eccles Oohhhh.
Bluebottle 'Ere Eccles?
Eccles Yah.
Bluebottle Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? - 'Ere. This piece of paper ain't goin'.
Eccles What? I've been sold a forgery!
Bluebottle No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.
Eccles Oh dear.
Bluebottle You should get one of them tings my grandad's got.
Eccles Oooohhh?
Bluebottle His firm give it to him when he retired.
Eccles Oooohhh.
Bluebottle It's one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.
Eccles Ohhh yeah! What's it called? Um.
Bluebottle My granma.
Eccles Ohh... Ohh, ah wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?
Bluebottle She's got it written down on a piece of paper!

rgds
Rob

Marky B

Thanks for that Rob. It reminds me of another line from the Goons:
Neddie Seagoon:"Eccles,what does your watch say?"
Eccles:"It says tick tock tick tock tick tock".
Neddie:"That's funny - mine says tick tock too."
Eccles:"Mine does'nt say tick tock too,mine just says tick tock tick tock."
Ta Ta
Marky B

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know