Laughs

[lordtednfs]

Might be a long way to come Joe, not for many years hopefully.

[DB7]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:





(It's a beauty)







(Wait for it)








(Get your best Chinese accent ready)








'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[essaljay]

Bill and Ben the flowerpot men go into a pub for a drink. Ben said "flobba-lobba lob lob" and Bill said "no. I'll get these you're too pissed to be served"

[essaljay]

A man visits the doctor and says "I keep finding myself singing the green green grass of home" The doctor replied "it looks to me that you might have Tom Jones syndrome".
"Is it common" the man asked. The doctor replied "It's not unusual"

[Joenoir]

[essaljay]

Just outside London in a small market garden there were two carrots in the ground side by

side. They got to know each other well and as the weeks went by they fell in love. Their

relationship blossomed with the result that a baby carrot started to grow between them.

But it was a petulant child never listening to reason and it was'nt long before it said "sod this

for a lark, I can't stay in the ground all my life. I'm off!" and with that it pulled itself out of the

ground and ran off. Unfortunately it had never seen a road before and got hit by a car as it

started to cross. He was rushed to hospital where doctors fought to save it. Eventually a

doctor came out to see the parents. "Mr and Mrs Carrot?" he said. "the good news is that

after 6 hours of surgery we have managed to stabilise him but I'm sorry to say....


















....He'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

[DB7]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "So, what do you do for a living?

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here " So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic! I can see right in the window. Wow. I can see my wife in the bedroom! Ha Ha! She's naked!! Wait a minute...that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." Then hit the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still, perfectly motionless for a few moments.

"Are you going to do it or not?!" said the friend impatiently.



"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

[sippog]

Originally Posted by DB7 'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

Reminds me of the one about the explosion in the Japanese car factory . .
For days it was raining Datsun cogs!

[Steve Crook]

Originally Posted by sippog Reminds me of the one about the explosion in the Japanese car factory . . For days it was raining Datsun cogs!

Steve

[Joenoir]

Originally Posted by DB7 "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

I need the images in my mind moderating!

[batman]

Sherlock Holmes was painting the front door of 221b. Watson comes home and says 'What a lovely shade of yellow, Holmes'. Holmes replies, 'It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson'.

Bats.

[Rob Compton]

Originally Posted by batman Sherlock Holmes was painting the front door of 221b. Watson comes home and says 'What a lovely shade of yellow, Holmes'. Holmes replies, 'It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson'. Bats.

I like it Bats!

[Joenoir]

Scene cut from Jurassic Park: Velociraptours devour a Barney!

[batman]

Bats.

[Carmel]

Its like the irish women who took 2 pills To be sure.. To be sure.