batman

A vicar was walking down the road when he saw a bilnd man with his guide dog. Suddenly, the guide bit the blind man on the leg, causing the man great pain. After getting over the shock of being bitten, the blind man reached into his pocket and gave the dog a biscuit. The vicar was impressed ... 'Bless you my son,' he said, 'for forgiving your little dog'. The blind man replied, 'Forgiveness my ass, I'm just finding out where his mouth is so I can kick him in the bollocks!'.

A man and his dog were standing in a queue in front of another man who was with his wife. The dog began licking his balls. The other man said, 'How dare you let your dog lick his balls in front of my wife?' The dog owner replied, 'Sorry mate I didn't know it was her turn'.

A man and his wife were arguing while waiting at a bus stop. Another man stopped near them with a dog. The dog began licking his balls. Bored with arguing and waiting, the first man said 'I wish my wife would do that', the dog owner replied 'If she asks him nicely he'd probably let her'.

Bats.

I wish I had claws.

Marky B

The World Air Guitar competition has just finished in Finland? The winner celebrated by going to his hotel and having sex with an imaginary groupie.
Ta Ta
Marky B

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know

smiffy

A Pantomime in aid of "help the paranoid " was thrown into chaos when somebody shouted "He's behind you "

I May be getting older ,but I refuse to grow up

batman

..... excellent!

Bats.

I wish I had claws.

essaljay

Why do adverts for psychic conventions have the venue, date and time on them?

batman

In case that bloke on Most Haunted wants to go.

Bats.

I wish I had claws.

smiffy

I May be getting older ,but I refuse to grow up

Dame Starry

Jesus was having his daily walk around Heaven and noticed an old man sitting on a bench in a corner looking very sad. Not wishing to intrude, he carried on and left him alone.
However, the following day when he was alone on the bench again, Jesus went up and sat next to him.
“Why are you so sad?” He asked. “In Heaven the sun is always shining, the birds are always singing, the flowers are always in full bloom, the grass is always green and nobody goes hungry. I am concerned; is there something I can help you with?”
The old man looked at him and said, “When I was alive, I was just a poor carpenter. I only had one son and he was taken from me at a very early age and I have been unable to find him.”
Jesus’ eyes filled with tears and he put his arms around the old man, “Oh, Father!” He cried.
The old man’s face lit up, “Pinocchio!”

DB7

Achmed, the Dead Terrorist

smiffy

Great Find DB7, gave me a proper chuckle after a hard night

I May be getting older ,but I refuse to grow up

batman

More Achmed please !!!!

Bats.

I wish I had claws.

lordtednfs

A blind man turns up at a local airfield and wants to do a parachute jump for charity. The airport manager tells him that it's impossible as he will never know when to open his chute.

"Oh" says the blindman. "But I do know".

"How?" asks the manager.

"When his lead goes limp".

_________________
Hooked off the line

lordtednfs

A young couple were talking and the girl told her boyfriend that on Sunday he must come to her house to meet mama and papa.

Sunday arrives and he arrives on time, knocks on the door and who should open it but the vicar. The guy is invited in and meets the rest of the family and sits very nervously as the vicars wife serves cucumber sandwiches and tea.

They sit and talk about all sorts of things when the guy feels a fart coming on. "Jesus! No! Not here!" as his tummy begins to rumble. He tightens his butt cheeks as hard as he can but it's no use, out it comes. He can just barely hear it.

The vicars wife turns round and shouts at the dog "Rover".

The guy thinks "Wow, she thought it was the dog" and breathes a sigh of relief.

A few minutes later and a few cucumber sandwiches, his tummy rumbles and he fears the worse. Tightening his butt cheeks again and going red in the face, it sneaks out and its louder than the first one.

The vicars wife turns round and shouts at the dog "Rover".

The guy thinks "She thought it was the dog again" and he could not care now.

A few minutes pass by and a few more cucumber sandwiches hit the gut and he feels a right ground shaker coming on. So without care he lifts his butt cheek and lets out an enormous fart that could be heard next door.

The vicars wife looks over at the dog and shouts out "ROVER! MOVE AWAY FROM HIM BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!"

_________________
Hooked off the line

cletus awreetus

Woman trying to watch a film in the cinema keeps getting interupted by moans and groans from the front stalls.
Irritated at this constant moaning she asks the manager to intervene. The manager goes to the source of the groaning and asks the man what's wrong.
"oooooo, ahhhhhh, uuuuhhhh" is all the manager can get from him. He asks the man where he's from.
"The balcony"

samkydd

Two men went into Borders and stole a calendar. They got six months each!

A bloke got sacked from his job on the dodgems, so he took his employer to a tribunal for funfair dismissal!

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"