cletus awreetus

Give that man a coconut!

lordtednfs

No kill him!! Very funny!

lordtednfs

Achmed is excellent. Shame Walter could not come into the forray.

________________
Hooked off the line

harryfielder

This ones bound to make ya laugh...and make ya day.

A BLOKE walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So, the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do; First ,You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it;
Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands;
Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things .."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it,is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps.
Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"



Aitch,

http://www.turnipnet.com/aitch/aitch/gallery.htm

Steve Crook

Steve

batman

Excellent Aitch ... it reminded of this one (although this one's not as good).

A guy stopped off at a roadside cafe during a long journey, but had no money to buy a drink. He looked around the place and saw a sign that read ''Make the donkey laugh and get all you can eat and drink on the house!''. Outside was a donkey. He asked the owner if he could have a go. The owner said ''Yes'' and looked out of the window just as the donkey started to howl with laughter. The guy came back inside and claimed his prize. The owner was dumbstruck! A few months later the same guy was on the return journey. He stopped at the same cafe and went inside. This time the sign read ''Make the donkey cry etc etc'' .... the guy asked if he could have another go. The owner said ''Yes'' and looked out of the window as the donkey burst into tears. The guy came back inside. The owner asked ''First you make my donkey laugh, now you make him cry. What did you do?'' The guy replied .... ''To make him laugh I told him I'd got a bigger cock than his, this time I showed him!''.

Bats.

samkydd

They say Jeremy Beadle's got a tiny ****, but on the other hand it looks huge!


Did you hear about the dyslexic rock star who choked on his own vimto!

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

batman

There was also the dyslexic pimp .... he was arrested for operating a warehouse.

Bats.

harryfielder

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
"About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber as ked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."


Aitch,

http://www.turnipnet.com/aitch/aitch/gallery.htm

samkydd

A man was seated in an Indian restaurant reading the menu and he said to the waiter
“What’s Tarka Massala?”
The waiter replied “It’s very similar to Tikka Massala sir, but it’s a little otter!”

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

batman

Bats.

Steve Crook

Steve

David Brent

A line taken from a story about Paul McCartney, that appeared in our daily newspaper, may give you a laugh.
It reads -
"Paul McCartney has been photographed kissing an American woman in the Hamptons".

Whatever turns you on.

Dave.

batman

It reminds of that song (from a 'Carry On' TV special I think) that had as part of the chorus ...

''The night poor old Henry got his Hampton Court''

... Bats.

DB7

WOMAN’S DIARY:

Sunday 23rd October 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.




MAN'S DIARY:

Sunday 23rd October 2005

Liverpool lost. Gutted. Got a shag though