David Brent

Two vomits walking down the street.
Suddenly the one vomit bursts out crying.
"Whats wrong?" asks the other vomit.
Wiping the tears away the vomit replied "Oh, it's just that this is the street where I was brought up".

Ay Thang You!

Dave.

T.J.Tomkins

Hi all,

first posting so what better way than a joke - funny i hope - even though i am part Irish!

Subject: Irish Adventure Sports

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland. They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's
dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up

dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass. At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "sure did you see dat. Dis budgie jumping is too bloom,n dangerous for me!"

TJT.

David Brent

Welcome to the forum TJ.

Dave.

batman

Welcome TJ.

Bats.

harryfielder

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...6April2005.jpg

Aitch,

http://www.turnipnet.com/aitch/aitch/gallery.htm

Carmel

Good one, great way to intruduce yourself.

Live each day to the full because one day it will be your last.

teddygiles

I promise this is the last one that has nothing to do with brit films.
Here is a 3-Minute Management Course for everybody:







Lesson 1:



A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.



The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.



When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door

neighbor.



Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop

that towel."



After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and

stands naked in front of Bob.



After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.



When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was

that?" "



It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.



"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the

$800 he owes me?"



Moral of the story: If you share critical information

pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be
in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.







Lesson 2:



A priest offered a Nun a lift.



She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a

leg.


The priest nearly had an accident.


After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her

leg.


The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"



The priest removed his hand.


But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"



The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on

her way.



On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up

Psalm 129.



It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."



Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job,

you might miss a great opportunity.







Lesson 3:



A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are

walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.



They rub it and a Genie comes out.



The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."



"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in

the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."



Puff! She's gone.



"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in

Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply

of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.



"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.



The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after

lunch."



Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.







Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.



A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit

like you and do nothing?"



The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."



So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.



All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate

it.



Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must

be sitting very, very high up.







Lesson 5:



A turkey was chatting with a bull.



"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"

sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."



"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied

the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."



The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually

gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.



The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the

second branch.



Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched

at the top of the tree.



He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the

tree.



Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but

it won't keep you there!





Lesson 6:



A little bird was flying south for the winter.



It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a

large field.



While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung

on him.



As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he

began to realize how warm he was.



The dung was actually thawing him out!



He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for

joy.



A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.



Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the

pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.



Moral of the story:



(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy



(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend



(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your

mouth shut!



This ends the 3-minute management course, thanks for your

participation.

smiffy

Teddy giles that was excellent

I May be getting older ,but I refuse to grow up

Cypher

... 'The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" ... On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."'

Amusing story, but the nun was bluffing; Psalm 129 doesn't say any such thing!

Chris W

"Fetch me another anger therapist!"

Hackett

I had a look at the Catholic Psalm's and couldn't understand a word. It was all Greek to me.

DB7

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 'Look Paddy.....there's that f ..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Cypher

I'm reminded of an amusing incident that actually happened to a friend of one of my wife's relatives. (That intro makes this sound like an urban legend but I have never heard the story anywhere else so perhaps it just might be true... unless, of course, you know differently?)

The lady in question was driving in the countryside with her young daughter when she had the misfortune to run out of petrol. They were standing at the side of the road wondering what to do when another car pulled up and the driver got out, apparently to offer help. However, he simply exposed himself to the mother and young daughter, then got back in his car and drove off! Some time later , when the mother was reporting the incident, the kindly policeman explained that he was very sorry but he would have to ask the question "was it an erection?", at which point the little girl brightly replied "oh no, it was a Volkswagen!"

"Fetch me another anger therapist!"

batman

Bats.

Cypher

... and then there were these two parrots sitting on a perch. One turned to the other and said "can you smell fish?"

"Fetch me another anger therapist!"

Steve Crook

Steve