Laughs

[Steve Crook]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendré - so the barman gives her one clap

Steve

[Marky B]

A young American schoolgirl wins a competition to fly with President Bush on Air Force One. She is welcomed on board by President Bush,First Lady Laura Bush,Secretary of State Condolooza Rice and handful of the crew. Air Force One takes off and they are flying across the USA when the aircraft hits a technical problem and starts descending sharply. All of the crew jump out,leaving the four passengers - but there are only three parachutes left.
President Bush:"I will have to go. I am the leader of the free world,and it needs me in this time of trouble." So he jumps out.
Laura Bush:"I will have to go. I am the First lady and the President needs me by his side in this time of trouble." So she jumps.
Secretary of State Rice:"Honey," she says to the girl. "There is only one parachute left,and as you are the future,I insist you take the last parachute. They will find another for my job,but you have a future ahead of you. So go."
Young Girl:"No,ma'am,there are still two parachutes."
Rice:"What do you mean?"
Young Girl:"Mr President took my school satchel"
hysteric hysteric hysteric

[ollie]

Q How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?.....
A 1 they dont like to share the spot light darling.
0R
A 1 but 536 auditioned for the part.

cheers Ollie.

[sippog]

ollie: Q How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?..... A 1 they dont like to share the spot light darling. 0R A 1 but 536 auditioned for the part.

One to change the bulb and 255 to say: "I could have done that better!"

[sippog]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar and the barman said: "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

[Postmodern joke}

[ollie]

A guy walks in to a bar with his giraffe,(as you do)
they drink 15 pints of wife beater(stella), and the giraffe falls on the floor,
the barman say's,
"Hey you cant leave that lyin there!" and the guys says
" it's not a lion,it's a giraffe"

cheers Ollie.

[Freddy]

One of Tommy Coopers

Man goes into the doctors
"Doctor, I think I'm a moth"

Doctor
"That's interesting, but really you would be better going to the psychologist up the road"

Man
"I was on my way there, but I saw your light on"


Freddy

[daisymum]

A guy get drunk in a bar. At closing time he get up off the stool & promptly falls smack on his face. So he drags himself up, staggers to the door, and falls flat on his face. He crawls out the door, picks himself up again, makes it to the curb, and then falls flat on his face again. He pulls himself up again, staggers across the street, and then falls flat on his face again. He stumbles up the block, makes it to his front door, and falls flat on his face again. He pushes open the front door, somehow makes it upstairs, then passes out in bed.

The next morning his wife is mad at him for coming home drunk again. "How did you find out?" he asks. "Easy," she answers. "You forgot your wheelchair again."

[daisymum]

Bad joke that only makes sense if you studied Latin:

A guy in a toga goes into a bar & asks for a martinus.

The bartender thinks about this for a minute and then says that the guy must be mistaken, that what he really wants is a martini.

"No thanks," says the Roman. "Just the one will do."

[Brian Brandt]

daisymum: Bad joke that only makes sense if you studied Latin: A guy in a toga goes into a bar & asks for a martinus. The bartender thinks about this for a minute and then says that the guy must be mistaken, that what he really wants is a martini. "No thanks," says the Roman. "Just the one will do."

The way I heard it:

A Latin professor walks into a bar -

Professor: "Bartender, give me a martinus, please."

Bartender: You mean a martini, Mac?"

Professor: "If I wanted two, my good man, I'd have asked for them."

[Brian Brandt]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, eats it. Walks to the other end of the bar, picks up a maraschino cherry, looks at it, eats it. Monkey hops up on the pool table, picks up the que ball, looks at it, eats it.

The bartender says, "Hey, your monkey just ate my que ball!"

The guy says, "Oh yeah, he's always eating stuff. Here's some money, go buy yourself a new one."

A week later, same bar, same guy, same monkey. Guy sits at the bar, orders a beer. The monkey jumps off his shoulder, walks to the end of the bar, picks up a martini olive, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.

The bartender thinks "Hey, that's pretty crude!"

Monkey goes to the other end of the bar, picks up a maraschino cherry, looks at it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, eats it.

The bartender says, "Yo, Pal, what's with the monkey?"

The guy says, "Oh, yeah, he had so much trouble passing that que ball, now he sizes everything before he eats it."

[Brian Brandt]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

"You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Brian Brandt]

Heaven is where the police are British,
the chefs are French,
the mechanics German,
the lovers Italian,
and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British,
the mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss,
the police German,
and it's put together by the Italians.

[sanndevil]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Essex, sir," the boy replied.

"Well,why did you leave Essex," the manager asked. The boy said,"Sir,there's nothing but whores and football players there." "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."

The boy replied,"No shit!? Who does she play for?"

[Steve Crook]

sanndevil: A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Essex, sir," the boy replied. "Well,why did you leave Essex," the manager asked. The boy said,"Sir,there's nothing but whores and football players there." "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex." The boy replied,"No shit!? Who does she play for?"

Very good, I like that one clap

Steve