rjd0309

How to tell if you've got foot odor

Dame Starry

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

Marky B

Ta Ta
Marky B

I am special. The heavens always open for me.

rjd0309

When wading through floodwaters
Use umbrella to avoid getting wet

harryfielder

It seems that Posh Spice was arrested yesterday.....

For handling ''Swollen'' goods....

Aitch,

http://www.turnipnet.com/aitch/aitch/gallery.htm

VladTheImpala

Brings back memories of the drought of 1976. I seem to remember a photo got circulated the day after the rains broke, showing a workman diligently hammering a drought warning sign into a flooded field (localised, but not serious, flooding was the widespread result of rain being unable to soak into the hard-baked ground). Surprisingly, I can't find a copy of this pic online anywhere.

My all time favorite joke is unfortunately in apallingly bad taste so I offer this instead;

Man takes pet Doberman to the vet and says, "I'm not sure there's anything really that wrong with him. He's a bit listless and off his food and his coat's dull". "Right", says the vet, "let's have a look at him." He takes his temperature, looks at his teeth, picks him up and gives him a thorough examination. After a while he says "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down." Absolutely shocked the owner says, "Why, what's wrong with him".
Vet - "He's too bloody heavy".

rjd0309

Good one!

Bell Bottom George

Why did Jane Russell ?

Because Max Factor.

"What larks we had Mr Pip...........what larks !"

Dame Starry

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathaliser test. The results showed a zero reading. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy.

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

Dame Starry

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You idiot," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

christoph404

A man is woken in the small hours to noises in his back garden. He gets out of bed and looks out of his window and sees that a couple of youths have broken into his garden shed and are piling all his garden tools and golf clubs etc on the lawn ready to carrry off. He dials 999 and explains to the police operator that there are thieves rummaging through his garden shed and to send some officers around immediatley. The 999 operator takes his address and asks him to hold the line for what seems like an eternity and then comes back to hims and says, "Im very sorry but there is no one available to come round at the moment"...."what do you mean" exclaims the man indignantly " when will there be someone available?" the operator asks him to hold the line again and comes back to him and says " well we could make an apointment to visit you in a couple of days time and take details of the crime" By this time the man is spluttering with rage and frustration, "what do you mean a couple of days time! the thieves are in my garden now, if you send someone around you can catch them red handed! what kind of service do you call this, it's outrageous! Again the operator says that unfortunatley there is just no one available to deal with it at the moment. The man slams the phone down and looks out of the window to see that the burglars are still there and emptying his shed. After five minutes the man makes another call to te police and this time he says " I just phoned you about five minutes ago to report burglars in my garden shed and to send someone around, but just to let you know there is no sense of urgency now because I have shot them both" he then calmly puts the phone down. Approx 3 minutes later two police cars arrive at speed, one an armed response unit, and a helicopter hovers overhead with a searchlight, 8 police officers storm the house and garden and find the two burglars alive and well and arrest them immediatly. The annoyed police seargent confronts the home owner and says, "I thought you said you had shot those two?" the man replies "I thought you said there was no one available!"......

lordtednfs

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are travelling across the plain when scores of Indians attack them. They somehow manage to escape and the Lone Ranger looks around and sees that poor Tonto has about 50 arrows inbedded in his body. He helpd Tonto off his horse and pulls out every arrow and dresses his wounds one by one.

Tonto turns to the Lone Ranger and says "I will help you King Husabe". Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and notices that he has not been hit by a single arrow and asks how come.

"It's the aftershave I use" replies the Lone Ranger

"What aftershave do you use?" asks Tonto.

"Aramis".


__________________________________________________ _______________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are again travelling across the plain when Tonto holds his hand up and says "Stop".

He gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground and appears to listen.

After a few seconds Tonto lifts his head and says "Buffalo come".

"How do you know?" asks the Lone Ranger

"Sticky ear".

_________________
Hooked off the line

sippog

Nice!

Dame Starry

Turn your sound up and play with the buttons (you might need to wait for it to load):

The Gerbil

YDSL x.

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

Dame Starry

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!