samkydd

Pet Shop

Customer: I'd like to buy a goldfish please.

Shopkeeper: Certainly sir, would you like an aquarium?

Customer: I don't care what star sign he is!

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

batman

Bats.

I'm the cutest bottom judge!

samkydd

We’ve had to cancel our planned adventure holiday to the Sudan ever since my young son decided to name his new teddy “SuicidebombingMuslimExtremistTwat”!




The dustmen called at No 20 on Christmas Eve, and the front door opened and a beautiful blonde standing naked in the doorway ushered them in and invited them to have their wicked way with her! After the session she put on her dressing gown and went outside and handed the dustcart driver a five pound note. "Why have you given me this when the rest of my crew had you?"
"Well I asked my husband this morning before he went to work what I should give the dustmen as a Christmas Box and he said "Just give the driver a fiver and f*** the rest of them!"

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

samkydd

A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.


Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time .


Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:



Dear Sasha,


I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.


I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time , as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

Ron..

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

samkydd

Due to recent controversy over the naming of a teddy bear in the Sudan, Sooty has announced plans to cancel his forthcoming tour of Jamaica!

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

john audley

It would have to be haunted - the mans dead

john audley

was this taken off Panama

john audley

Sorry Batman - I see you had covered this one!

john audley

A couple of goodies from the masters:
Ken Dodd
Aging couple having sax with the wife very bored so the husband complains to her;
'You know dear, when we were first married you used to moan a lot when I made love to you'
The wife replied 'alright, the roof needs painting'!

Very aging couple in bed looking into each others eyes and the wife said
'You know dear I remember when we were first wed when you would nibble at my breasts and my ears'
The hubby gets out of bed without a word and the wife says 'where are you going dear?
'To the bathroom to get me teeth

Max Miller
Man is lost in a bad storm and comes across a farmhouse, the only one for miles and knocks on the door for shelter. The old farmer says 'Hi lad, come in take off thee wet cloths but we only have one double bed so you can only sleep wid babee'
The man says thanks so much not if you don't mind I will make do in the chair (I don't want to sleep with no baby said the hiker to himself)
Next morning the most fabulous blond comes down the stairs wearing the tiniest nightdress all transparent and say 'Hello, would you like some breakfast, my name is Babi

Husband comes home early one day to see a naked man in the living room! The wife says, don't worry dear he is a nudist and just wishes to use the telephone

DB7

An adult snowball game:
Chunk. Snowball.

smiffy

OH I wish it would snow , thanks DB7

I May be getting older ,but I refuse to grow up

Steve Crook

Britain must be the only country that wishes it would snow - and then when it does, the smallest amount causes chaos because nobody's prepared for it

Steve

smiffy

Is It any wonder nobody understands us ?

I May be getting older ,but I refuse to grow up

Steve Crook

Just try and explain the British Pantomime to someone not from these shores

Steve

smiffy

It may just be the world is catching on to Panto .

I heard the legendary (well in America anyway ) Henry winkler on the radio the other day who is appearing in panto in Britain this year ( I didn't catch where )
He remarked upon the difference between the matinee performance ,predominantly children ,who just Boo everybody and the evening with the parents who are well versed and can be played almost like an orchestra

I May be getting older ,but I refuse to grow up