Laughs - Page 3 - Britmovie

Hackett · 23-11-2004, 03:07 PM

An Irishman on holiday in Texas enters an Amateur Rodeo competition and wins first prize for riding a wild steer. The American judges are amazes that a nonprofessional could stay on the beast for over 20 minutes when none of the other contestants managed 20 seconds. The main judge confronts the Irishman asking him how is it possable for a layman to ride a bucking bull for so long without any previous experience. The Irishman explains that it was easy as his wife was epileptic.

DAVID RAYNER · 23-11-2004, 10:21 PM

This fellah goes to the optician and the optician says to him: "You'll have to stop playing with yourself." "Why?...will I go blind?", the fellah asks. "No", says the optician, "but you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room."

Freddy · 24-11-2004, 08:29 PM

As a 'scouser' this is a rare one which made me chuckle;

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool
on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he is late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave.

The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time, he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough, PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for
speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the ******* have managed to nick a motorbike already"

Freddy
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Brian Brandt · 25-11-2004, 01:02 AM

What's a Scouser?

MrDrakesDuck · 25-11-2004, 01:16 AM

Quote:

Brian Brandt:
What's a Scouser?

Someone from the uncivilised side of the river Mersey. wink

sippog · 25-11-2004, 01:39 AM

This joke always makes my female friends laugh:

A bride and groom disappear into the vestry before their wedding. A little later they emerge both grinning broadly.

"Why are you looking so happy?" the best man asks the groom. "Because I've just had the best blow job of my life", he replies,

"What are you smiling for?" the bride's maid asks the bride. "Because I've just given my very last blow job", she says.

Always cracks women up!

David Brent · 25-11-2004, 03:34 AM

Paddy was a good jockey but he'd suffered from piles for most of his riding career.
The only thing that gave him relief was to stick a handful of wet tealeaves up his bottom every morning.
Then one day the pain got worse and he decided to see the doctor.
"Alright Paddy,take down your shorts and bend over"said the doctor.
Paddy did as he was told.
"How do things look Doc?" Paddy asked.
"Actually it looks pretty good" the doctor replied "You're going on a long trip, you'll meet a beautiful blonde lady & you're going to have three kids."

DAVID RAYNER · 25-11-2004, 09:23 AM

This fellah living on his own in a big, isolated house in the country is woken up in the early hours by someone knocking loudly on his door. He reluctantly gets out of bed and goes downstairs in his dressing gown as the knocking gets louder and more frantic. "All right, all right, I'm comin'" he shouts, as he opens the door. There's a bloke stood there who says "I'm sorry to trouble you, but could you give me a push to get me started?" "What, at this hour? It's three o'clock in the bloody mornin'!" he tells him. "I know", says the bloke, "but yours was the only house around here and I couldn't ask anyone else. "Oh, alright", says the fellah, stepping outside grumpily. "I'll give you a push. It's dark out here. Where are you?" And the bloke answers "I'm here on the swing."

Freddy · 25-11-2004, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Brian Brandt:
What's a Scouser?

A Scouser is someone from Liverpool Brian, though you meet them everywhere.

A Scouser is someone who helps Tranmere beat Southampton, Everton et al scarf

Freddy

Marky B · 25-11-2004, 03:59 PM

This is a true story,as it happened one night in a club quiz.
A mate of mine,Ian,said to me:"Mark,you are very intelligent bloke,what does the D stand for in D-Day?"
"Well," I said "There a few theories,one of which was June 3rd was A-Day,June 4th was B-Day,June 5th was C-Day and June 6th was D-Day - so when the decision was made of what day the invasion will take place,they would say D-Day rather say the actual date.
"Another suggestion was Deliverance Day,as the Allies were goiong to liberate Europe."
Another mate,Norman,said the "D" meant nothing. Someone else came in with another theory.
Ian shook his head. "You're all wrong. It means Doris" lol
Ta Ta
Marky B thumbs_u

MrDrakesDuck · 25-11-2004, 04:17 PM

Quote:

A Scouser is someone who helps Tranmere beat Southampton, Everton et al

And gets them relegated in the same season.

Freddy · 25-11-2004, 06:05 PM

Now I know how Pike felt!

David Brent · 30-11-2004, 02:09 AM

Man drinking with mates in the pub suddenly realises that he's forgotten his wedding anniversary.
Thinking his wife will kill him for forgetting he phones up his local florist and orders a dozen red roses to be delivered to his wife.
He carries on drinking and finally arrives home early - at 2.00 am.
He staggers into the bedroom to be greeted by his wife lying naked on top of the bed.
"What are you doing?" he asked
"Darling" his wife replied "this is for the beautiful red roses."
"What!" the husband slurred "havn't you got a vase?"

sunofyork · 02-12-2004, 10:04 PM

A circus manager is sitting in his office, head in hands, sobbing. His secretary comes in.
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh it's terrible. The Human Cannonball has resigned. He's going to another circus!"
"Well it's surely not the end of the world. Advertise for a replacement."
" Oh, if only it were that easy! Where am I ever going to find another man of his calibre......"

Happy Christmas One and All

Raymond

Johnny English · 04-12-2004, 03:06 AM

Man on holiday goes to boarding house at the seaside.
"Have you got any rooms?" he asked the landlady.
"Yes dear.One night's stay is $50." she answered.
"Oh, i'll pay that with pleasure." the man smiled.
"With pleasure...that's $100."

24-11-2004, 08:29 PM	#33
Freddy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Irish Sea Posts: 1,116 Country: iTrader: (1)	As a 'scouser' this is a rare one which made me chuckle; Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he is late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave. The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time, he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough, PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the ******* have managed to nick a motorbike already" Freddy If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. __________________ "What I owe you Colonel Lawrence, is beyond evaluation."

25-11-2004, 03:59 PM	#40
Marky B Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Billingham,Cleveland Posts: 3,281 My Mood: Country: iTrader: (0)	This is a true story,as it happened one night in a club quiz. A mate of mine,Ian,said to me:"Mark,you are very intelligent bloke,what does the D stand for in D-Day?" "Well," I said "There a few theories,one of which was June 3rd was A-Day,June 4th was B-Day,June 5th was C-Day and June 6th was D-Day - so when the decision was made of what day the invasion will take place,they would say D-Day rather say the actual date. "Another suggestion was Deliverance Day,as the Allies were goiong to liberate Europe." Another mate,Norman,said the "D" meant nothing. Someone else came in with another theory. Ian shook his head. "You're all wrong. It means Doris" lol Ta Ta Marky B thumbs_u __________________ I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know

25-11-2004, 06:05 PM	#42
Freddy Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Irish Sea Posts: 1,116 Country: iTrader: (1)	Now I know how Pike felt! __________________ "What I owe you Colonel Lawrence, is beyond evaluation."

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23-11-2004, 03:07 PM	#31
Hackett Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: England Posts: 765 Country: iTrader: (0)	An Irishman on holiday in Texas enters an Amateur Rodeo competition and wins first prize for riding a wild steer. The American judges are amazes that a nonprofessional could stay on the beast for over 20 minutes when none of the other contestants managed 20 seconds. The main judge confronts the Irishman asking him how is it possable for a layman to ride a bucking bull for so long without any previous experience. The Irishman explains that it was easy as his wife was epileptic.

23-11-2004, 10:21 PM	#32
DAVID RAYNER Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: none Posts: 370 iTrader: (0)	This fellah goes to the optician and the optician says to him: "You'll have to stop playing with yourself." "Why?...will I go blind?", the fellah asks. "No", says the optician, "but you're upsetting everyone in the waiting room."

25-11-2004, 01:02 AM	#34
Brian Brandt Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Lansdale, PA Posts: 82 Country: iTrader: (0)	What's a Scouser?

25-11-2004, 01:39 AM	#36
sippog Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: England Posts: 317 Country: iTrader: (7)	This joke always makes my female friends laugh: A bride and groom disappear into the vestry before their wedding. A little later they emerge both grinning broadly. "Why are you looking so happy?" the best man asks the groom. "Because I've just had the best blow job of my life", he replies, "What are you smiling for?" the bride's maid asks the bride. "Because I've just given my very last blow job", she says. Always cracks women up!

25-11-2004, 03:34 AM	#37
David Brent Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Queensland, Australia. Posts: 2,100 Country: iTrader: (3)	Paddy was a good jockey but he'd suffered from piles for most of his riding career. The only thing that gave him relief was to stick a handful of wet tealeaves up his bottom every morning. Then one day the pain got worse and he decided to see the doctor. "Alright Paddy,take down your shorts and bend over"said the doctor. Paddy did as he was told. "How do things look Doc?" Paddy asked. "Actually it looks pretty good" the doctor replied "You're going on a long trip, you'll meet a beautiful blonde lady & you're going to have three kids."

25-11-2004, 09:23 AM	#38
DAVID RAYNER Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: none Posts: 370 iTrader: (0)	This fellah living on his own in a big, isolated house in the country is woken up in the early hours by someone knocking loudly on his door. He reluctantly gets out of bed and goes downstairs in his dressing gown as the knocking gets louder and more frantic. "All right, all right, I'm comin'" he shouts, as he opens the door. There's a bloke stood there who says "I'm sorry to trouble you, but could you give me a push to get me started?" "What, at this hour? It's three o'clock in the bloody mornin'!" he tells him. "I know", says the bloke, "but yours was the only house around here and I couldn't ask anyone else. "Oh, alright", says the fellah, stepping outside grumpily. "I'll give you a push. It's dark out here. Where are you?" And the bloke answers "I'm here on the swing."

30-11-2004, 02:09 AM	#43
David Brent Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Queensland, Australia. Posts: 2,100 Country: iTrader: (3)	Man drinking with mates in the pub suddenly realises that he's forgotten his wedding anniversary. Thinking his wife will kill him for forgetting he phones up his local florist and orders a dozen red roses to be delivered to his wife. He carries on drinking and finally arrives home early - at 2.00 am. He staggers into the bedroom to be greeted by his wife lying naked on top of the bed. "What are you doing?" he asked "Darling" his wife replied "this is for the beautiful red roses." "What!" the husband slurred "havn't you got a vase?"

02-12-2004, 10:04 PM	#44
sunofyork Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 18 iTrader: (0)	A circus manager is sitting in his office, head in hands, sobbing. His secretary comes in. "Why are you crying?" "Oh it's terrible. The Human Cannonball has resigned. He's going to another circus!" "Well it's surely not the end of the world. Advertise for a replacement." " Oh, if only it were that easy! Where am I ever going to find another man of his calibre......" Happy Christmas One and All Raymond

04-12-2004, 03:06 AM	#45
Johnny English Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 38 iTrader: (0)	Man on holiday goes to boarding house at the seaside. "Have you got any rooms?" he asked the landlady. "Yes dear.One night's stay is $50." she answered. "Oh, i'll pay that with pleasure." the man smiled. "With pleasure...that's $100."