batman

A little bit of Christmas Carol mental health humour for you .... courtesy of the Dame!

1. Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia - I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to.... Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Full Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

10. Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia - Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

Bats.

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

Dame Starry

David, you will NEVER know; a real Dame doesn't kiss 'n' tell!

YDSL x.

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

francesgumm

Very good

Steve Crook

Who was it who sent a first night telegram to a female performer saying "I hope you get a big hand on your opening"?

Steve

Dame Starry

I wouldn't know - but there is a very old joke:

"And now, Professor Ernest Jones will give his speech on masturbation; let's all give him a big hand!"

YDSL x.

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

batman

How did that old Max Miller joke go ....

"I was walking along a narrow clifftop path, coming the other way was a beautiful girl. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off."

Bats.

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

Dame Starry

YDSL x.

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

Rob Compton

That was the joke that got him banned from the BBC!

rgds
Rob

Dame Starry

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

Dame Starry

This is probably a bit rude to post directly onto the page:

Benefits

YDSL x.

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

francesgumm

A man goes into a jo centre in Newcastle & see's a card advertising for a gynaecologist's assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.
'Can you give me some details about this job?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The man sifts through his files & replies, 'Uh-yes i've had quite a few enquiries about this job. It entails you getting the patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down & wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam & shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the examination. Theres an annual salary of £45,000 but im afraid you'll have to travel to oxford'.
'Oh why, is that where the job is based?'.
'No. Thats where the end of the queue is'.

David Brent

As Charles Prentiss (Stephen Fry in 'Absolute Power') would say -

"Never ask a P.R man for the truth and never shake hands with a gynecologist"

Dave.

Dame Starry

The Sick Note

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

David Brent

Regardless of air safety concerns I want to fly with this airline.

Jet pilot | Enjoys hostie's air strip | Airlines investigating | | The Sun |HomePage|News



Dave.

Dame Starry

How do I measure
The love I have for you?
I thought, while idly watching
A sparrow sippin' dew
And as I pondered thoughtfully
My thoughts wandered far
And then I thought "Sod it
I'm going to the bar !"

Happy Valentine's Day

YDSL x.

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!