Dame Starry

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."

"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"

"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."

batman

Bats.

I wish I had claws.

Dame Starry

Somehow, I had a feeling you'd go for that one!

YDSL x.

Dame Starry

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Steve Crook

I was out visiting clients today and there's a great ad on the tube.














































Then you see it's an ad for

Clever stuff

Steve

Dame Starry

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

ShirlGirl

That's intelligence!

ShirlGirl

Well I sure wouldn't need that these days, but way back in skinny times- a different story!

batman

A young lad gets a job on a building site. He works all week and on the Friday goes to pick up his wages. He opens the wage packet and it contains £100. He says to the foreman "That's not much money for a week's work, how am I going to afford to go out and pick up a bird?" The foreman replies, "You don't need to, we have our own company prostitute. You get an hour with her every week and you can do whatever you want". The young lad was pleased by this and when it was his turn, he eagerly entered the prostitute's room. He came out again an hour later looking really cheesed off. He went to the foreman and said "You said I could do what I wanted with her, but all I got was awank". The foreman smiled and said "Look, we're like any other building firm, you have to work a week in hand!".

Bats.

I wish I had claws.

Dame Starry

YDSL x.

Dame Starry

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, 'We need some four-by-twos. 'The clerk said, 'You mean two-by-fours, don't you?'

The man said, 'I'll go check,' and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, 'Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.'

'Alright. How long do you need them?'

The customer paused for a minute and said, 'I'd better go check.' After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, 'A long time. We're gonna build a house.'

Dame Starry

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone by the railway? Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the train tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, like doggies, every position imaginable!

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky b*stard - was she pretty?"

"Dunno... I never found the head."

harryfielder

THREE WOMEN , TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."


THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
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christoph404

A man visits his doctor and says " I am convinced I am a moth trapped in a human body!" the doctor looks puzzled and says to the man, "the thing is Im just a GP and Im not specialized enough to be able to offer you any help or advice on psychiatric problems. My advice would be that you should go and visit a psychiatrist." the man replies " funny you should say that, I was on my way to see a psychiatrist but I saw your light was on"

christoph404

This is a joke I was told by my 9 year old nephew; A man is trudging through the desert almost dying of thirst. He climbs to the top of a large sand dune and down below on the other side he sees an open air market. he stumbles down into the market and goes to the first stall holder and says, " water! water! can you give me some water, I have just walked through the desert and Im dying of thirst" the market stall holder slowly shakes his head and says, " Im really sorry, I don't sell any water, all I have is custard powder, why don't you try that stall over there", the thirsty man is crushed by the response but hurries over to the next stall and makes a desperate plea for water. The second stall holder also slowly shakes his head and says " Im really sorry, I don't have any water, all I have is sponge fingers, try the stall around the corner" the man hurries to the next stall and cries " water, water, please tell me you have some!" The stall holder looks at the man and slowly shakes his head and says " Im really sorry I have no water, all I have is cooked fruit" The thirsty man stops in his tracks feeling very puzzled and says to himself "This is a trifle bizarre (bazar)"......