Dame Starry

Dame Starry

......I have it on good authority that he's an enormous fan!



YDSL x.

DB7

David Brent

A hitman named Artie was boasting at his local pub that he would do any job for a dollar.
A shady looking character goes over to Artie and asks him if that would include committing murder.
Artie replies that he would do anything - including murder.
The other guy hands Artie a dollar along with two photographs of a man and woman. "I want these two murdered" he tells Artie "You'll find them shopping at the local supermarket every Thursday morning".
One week passes and the man hears nothing concerning the murders. He then happens to pick up a newspaper and reads the headline -
Artie chokes two for a dollar at the supermarket.

Dave.

batman

An escaped mental patient has sex with two people in a launderette and then runs away. The newspaper headline was ....

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts!

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

stevie boy

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Montecassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."
"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

vaggmk1938

A friend sent me this which I found hilarious. Hope you enjoy.
________________________________


The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

stevie boy

absolutely brilliant joke,

DB7

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"



Piece of black tarmac walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager, the barmen puts his pint on the bar. Next thing a piece of red tarmac walks in, "Fuck" sighs the barmen "I'd watch him if I was you he's a cycle path."



I went round to see my mates new baby today. She asked me if i'd like to wind it. I thought fucking hell that's a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead leg.

Joenoir

The first one was funny ....

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

Steve Crook

It was a Doberman the last time someone told that joke in this same thread

Steve

Dame Starry

They grow very quickly.

DS x.

vaggmk1938

Another from the cuckoo-clock source.

_______________________________

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard ran back into the house.

They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. “He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he said as they drove away. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the roses!'”

The cabdriver hit a parked car.

Dame Starry

Newsflash:

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon on the
outskirts of Dublin. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered
326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging
continues into the evening.

Dame Starry

One morning, an old man is sitting outdoors in his rocking chair. He sees a boy pass by carrying some chicken wire.
Curious, he asks, “Where are you going with that chicken wire?”
“To catch chickens,” the boy replies.
The man shakes his head and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
But later that evening, the boy wanders past with several chickens stuck to the wire.
“Well, I’ll be……..!” The old man exclaims.
The next day, the boy passes by dragging duck tape.
“I’m going to catch ducks,” he declares.
“Listen, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” Says the man.
Later he sees the boy return with ducks stuck to the tape.
The next day, the boy’s back dragging branches behind him.
“What’s that?” The old man asks.
“Pussy willow,” the boy replies.
“Hold on,” says the man, “I’ll just get my hat!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Pinocchio goes to see Geppetto.
“Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters,” he says, “what can I do about it?”
“Have you tried sandpaper?” Geppetto replies.
Pinocchio goes away to try it.
“Pinocchio!” Says Geppetto a few weeks later, “How did the problem with your girlfriend work out in the end?”
Pinocchio replies, “Who needs a girlfriend when you’ve got sandpaper?”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle on a log. He ambles over and kicks it across the river.
“What did you do that for?” Asks a giraffe.
“Because it took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago,” he replies.
“Wow! Great memory!” Comments the giraffe.
“Yes,” says the elephant, “turtle recall.”