sippog

Nice one

Dame Starry

Have you hear about the new combination aphrodisiac and laxative?
It's called, "Easy Come, Easy Go".


A small boy is lost so he goes up to a policeman and says, "I've lost my dad."
"What's he like?" Asks the policeman.
"Beer and women," replies the boy.


Q: What do you get when a grenade is thrown into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blownapart.

Amethyst_Isle

A guy walks into a pub and trips over some dog s**t on the floor, he then goes over to the bar and orders himself a drink.

A 2nd guy walks into the same pub and he too trips over the dog s**t on the floor.

The 1st guy says " I just did that"

The 2nd guy then punches the 1st guy right on the nose.

Steve Crook

All right, if you're going to go down that route ...
Warning: Some of these could be considered to be somewhat offensive...


* What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

* What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
Doug

* What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
Douglas

* What do you call a lady with a toothpick in her head?
Olive

* What do you call a lady with one wooden leg?
Peg

* What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen

* What do you call a Japanese lady with one leg longer than the other?
Irene

* What do you call a lady with both legs the same length?
Nolene

* What do you call a cow with two legs shorter than the others?
Lean beef

* What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

* What do you call two men standing by a window?
Curt 'n' Rod

* What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
Russell

* What do you call a man with a wooden head?
Edward

* What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
Edward Woodward

* What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
I don't know, but Edward Woodward would

* What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?
Warren

* What do you call a man with his legs chopped off at the knees?
Neil

* What do you call a man who is being electrocuted?
Buzz

* What do you call a man who sits at your front door?
Matt

* What do you call a man who has his head stuck under your car?
Jack

* What do you call a man who has no arms and legs who is nailed to the wall?
Art

* What do you call the arms and legs of the above mentioned man?
Pieces of Art

* What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?
Bob

* What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the ocean with a monastery on his head?
Bob Monkhouse

* What do you call a heart patient with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Bob Newheart

* What do you call a man on the beach if he has no arms and no legs?
Sandy

* What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a ditch?
Phil

* What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a letter box?
Bill

* What do you call a man who has been buried for 2,000 years?
Pete

* What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him - he still won't come

* What do you call a dog with short legs and brass balls?
Sparky

* What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea

* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
Still bloody no idea



Steve

Dame Starry

OK, how long have you been collecting them and when does the book come out, Steve?

DS x.

Steve Crook

I've got nephews and nieces. They love 'em

Steve

Dame Starry

Police report :-

A man was found at his north london home today, drowned in a bowl of muesli.

Investigators say he was pulled under by a strong current.

David Brent

A bloke walks into a pub with a pile of dog s**t in his hands.
"Look what I found outside the bar door" he shows the barman.
"I nearly trod in that".

Dave.

Dame Starry

What's the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it's asleep?

Diarrhoea.

Dame Starry

Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "drive thru" cashpoint machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that refers to your own circumstances (Male or Female) and remember them for when you use the machine for the 1st time.

MALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Wind down your car window.
3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Wind up window.
6) Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE.

1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Reverse back the required amount to align car window to cash machine.
3) Restart the stalled engine.
4) Wind down the window.
5) Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6) Turn the radio down.
7) Attempt to insert card into cash machine.
8) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from the car.
9) Insert card.
10) Re-insert card the right way up.
11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12) Enter PIN
13) Press cancel and re-enter PIN
14) Enter amount of cash required.
15) Check make up in rear view mirror.
16) Retrieve cash and receipt.
17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19) Recheck make up again.
20) Drive forward 2 meters.
21) Reverse back to cash machine.
22) Retrieve card
23) Re-empty handbag,locate card holder and place card into slot provided.
24) Restart stalled engine and proceed.
25) Drive for 2-3 miles.
26) Release handbrake.

Dame Starry

I was in my car, driving along, and my boss rang up, he said, "You've been promoted." I swerved.
Then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again." I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director." And I went into a tree.
A policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?"
I said "I careered off the road."

Steve Crook

That last one's the killer!

Although I must say, I do know some very good women drivers. My cousin's only a little lady but she drove double decker buses for a while after she left college. I always feel very safe and comfortable when I'm a passenger in her car - and that's not a thing I can say with some male drivers.

Steve

David Brent

A man decides to visit his grandparents.
It is a bitterly cold winters day and as the man approaches his grandparents house he is amazed to see his grandfather, completely naked from the waist down, sitting in his rocking chair on the porch.
"Grandpa" the man shouts "Why are you sitting outside, half naked, in the freezing cold?"
The grandfather turns to him and replies "I sat out here without a scarf yesterday and ended up getting a stiff neck. This is your grandmothers idea."

Dave.

Dame Starry

It reminded me of the first time I ever drove entirely on my own, the day after I passed my test............

DS x.

Steve Crook

It's like the old story that AA patrolmen used to tell about the woman who drove for miles with the choke out (I said it was an old story).

When she did call the patrol out and he spotted that the choke was still out she said it was somewhere convenient to hang her handbag!

Steve