batman

That's the story Gillian Taylforth rejected!

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

Dame Starry

When I bought my last car (which was older than my two previous ones), I had problems with it for the first month until the man who sold it to me said, "You do know that it has a manual choke, don't you?"

DS x.

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

Dame Starry

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

batman

These made me chuckle ....

YouTube - Roger Moore interview outake 60s

YouTube - Moonraker Roger Moore blooper

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

David Brent

Many years ago an American woman hired a car at Heathrow and drove all the way to Scotland. When she dropped the car off she complained to the hire car company about how slow the car had been running and also about a terrible noise the car had been making all the way.
The hire company checked out the manual car and found that the lady (used to driving an automatic) had driven all the way from London to Scotland in first gear.

A true story.

Dave.

Dame Starry

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore".
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Steve Crook

A man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3 o'clock in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring with rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two men helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.


Steve

Dame Starry

What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut it's nose off

What is the fastest fish in the sea?
Go-carp.

What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?
Don't worry, it's only a tin of people.

If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland.

What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
Show me your mussels.

How do you kiss a pike?
Very carefully

What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?
A pike going on holiday.

Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"

Dame Starry

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

Dame Starry

DS x.

Chevyman

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.


At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Joenoir

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

batman

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

Dame Starry

That should be 'penises'.

Now, write it out correctly 100 times, please!

DS x.

Dame Starry

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads", and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."