Originally Posted by Freddy

18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy
6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my
system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically
stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then
resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the
problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating
regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle
Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also
spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These
conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that
they are an illegal operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often
crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

Any Ideas?
>

LOL
Freddy

Originally Posted by Dame Starry

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

Originally Posted by Brigger

Man walks into a pub carrying a set of jump leads, Barman shouts to him
`Oi don`t start anything`

Originally Posted by Dame Starry

An ageing man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

Originally Posted by Steve Crook

Didn't Norman Stanley Fletcher do that trick in an episode of Porridge?

Steve

Originally Posted by Dame Starry

The grand old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men,
And when he had the energy
He had them all again

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon
Pies, you dickhead!.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum
And now its wool is nylon

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cos he was funny that way.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Spider, spider on the wall.
Have you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the wall's been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly bastard

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Hey Diddle, Diddle,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
Then died of electric shock.

Originally Posted by batman

You've been listening to your old Judge Dread LPs again haven't you.