Laughs

[Dame Starry]

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.

"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."

[Carmel]

Originally Posted by Dame Starry The letter M! DS x.

Spoil sport.

[Steve Crook]

Originally Posted by Carmel Whats twice in a moment once in a minute but never happens in a hundred years? another brain teaser

It never happens in a hundred years but it happens twice in a millennium

Steve

[Carmel]

Originally Posted by Steve Crook It never happens in a hundred years but it happens twice in a millennium Steve

Smart A**

[Freddy]

If hearing people laugh is the best medicine have a look and listen at

YouTube - Dad at Comedy Barn

Wait till 1.40 mins in when a mike is placed in front of the man in the middle.

Enjoy

Freddy

[dremble wedge]

The following are actual answers given by contestants on Family Fortunes...


Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name a dangerous race - The Arabs

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous royal - Mail

Name a number you have to memorize - 7

Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Name something you put on walls - Roofs

Name something in the garden that's green - Shed

Name something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Name a sign of the zodiac - April

Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato

Name a jacket potato topping - Jam

Name something with a hole in it - Window

Name the last thing you take off before going to bed - Your feet

Name something you have with coffee - The Sunday Sport

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

[David Brent]

What do you call a crab who will not share his food?

Answer - Shellfish.



Dave.

[Chevyman]

A 90 year old man visits his pharmacy and asks for six Viagra tablets, cut into quarters.
The pharmacist, once he had recovered from the initial shock, explained that taking a quarter of a tablet would not produce the "full, desired result"
The man replied........."I really have no use for the full result, as you put it; I merely want to stop piddling on my slippers"

[Marky B]

Career master at a secondary school:"Now then,Johnny,what would you like to be when you leave school?"
Johnny:"I want to follow in my dad's footsteps and become a policeman."
CM:"Is he a policeman too?"
Johnny:"No - he's a burglar."
Ta Ta
Marky B

[lostintown]

There are 11 kinds of people in this world.
Those that understand binary and those who don't.

[Steve Crook]

Originally Posted by lostintown There are 11 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those who don't.

That should be 10 kinds of people
Or are you part of the 10nd group rather than the 01st group?

Steve

[smiffy]

Originally Posted by lostintown There are 11 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those who don't.

[lostintown]

you know, you're right!

*lostintown backpedals furiously and tries to save himself with this one*

What about...

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?




To get to the same side!

[Steve Crook]

Originally Posted by lostintown What about... Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? To get to the same side!

Steve

[Chevyman]

Suppose that every day, the same ten men go out for a few beers and the bill for all ten comes to £100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just £80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realised that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay £5 instead of £7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

'I only got a pound out of the £20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, 'but he got £10'.

'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a pound, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got'

'That's true' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get £10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.