batman

That'd be me then (see Britmovie Cookery Forum)

I'm the cutest bottom judge!

Chevyman

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Dame Starry

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbour suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour suggested she put a notch in the ear of one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

Dame Starry

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a police car pulled her over and walked up to her car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driving licence.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driving licence look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driving licence" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

stevie boy

> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
> was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm
> off now. The man should be here soon.'
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
> photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
>
> 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said,
> 'I've come to...'
>
> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
> been expecting you.'
>
> 'Have you really?' said the photographer.
> 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
>
> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
> Please come in and have a seat'.
>
> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
>
> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
> the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
> And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out
> there.'
>
> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
> Harry and me!'
>
> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
> if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
> angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
>
> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
> be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
> that.'
>
> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
>
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
> of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
>
> 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
> their mother was so difficult to work with.'
>
> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
> the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
> get a good look'
>
> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
> amazement.
>
> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
> too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
> concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
> Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
> to pack it all in.'
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
> your, uh...equipment?'
>
> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if
> you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right
> away.'
>
> 'Tripod?'
>
> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
> much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
> Mrs. Smith fainted

ShirlGirl

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

batman

You Might Be A Psychiatric Nurse If .......

you have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience
you believe that 75% of people are a waste of space
discussing self harm over dinner seems quite normal to you
you find humour in other peope's stupidity
you have your weekends off planned for a year
you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says 'isn't it quiet'
your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track
you believe chocolate is a food group
you have always wanted to hold a seminar called 'Suicide-Getting it Right First Time'
when you mention vegetables you are not referring to a food group
you think caffeine should be available in IV form
your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion
you are the only person you know who uses the word 'liaise'
you have a nose finely tuned to the smells of cannabis, alcohol, stale body odour and decomposition

I'm the cutest bottom judge!

Chevyman

I mind my own, and my own minds me

Dame Starry

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.
"There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear".
Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses anus and licked it.
"Now you must do the same", he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Secondly", the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this mans anus, but licked my index finger?"

Chevyman

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green ' .'


Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Sir, I am ready'


The manager said, 'Go ahead.'


Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes "green green", and I pink it up, and
say,'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'


Mujibar now works at a call center.


No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

I mind my own, and my own minds me

Dame Starry

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says, "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said, "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush."

Bush thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little teed off by now, replied, "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said, "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

Chevyman

Wonder who we'll get next

I mind my own, and my own minds me

Chevyman

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY ..
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:


25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you "

I mind my own, and my own minds me

Chevyman

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organisation.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired a top international consultancy to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's zip. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their zips. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the lavatory. By tying this string to the tip of your know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'.

I mind my own, and my own minds me

Steve Crook

Steve