Chevyman

With apologies to the Moderators

If I wasn't meant to drive that fast, the pedal would stop half way!!

Chevyman

The names have been changed to protect the innocent...................


Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.
This can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Awareness Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare; ' It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name your wife's favourite flower?'

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
'It's self raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy

If I wasn't meant to drive that fast, the pedal would stop half way!!

Chevyman

This is the text from an e-mail I received from a French hotel today

With the aim of receive you better, this winter we have decorated 30% of our rooms.

We settled televisions with flat panel display of 58 cm with the TNT, which mean 21 additional chains, in all the rooms of the castle.

We refitted our room which allow us to receive you to150 people, for your receptions, wedding, birthday…

We also changed our lounge to give you the desire of slackening around for a tee or a cocktail.

To discover these innovations, we renew our offer of 3 nights for the price of 2 nights.

Covers just about everything?

If I wasn't meant to drive that fast, the pedal would stop half way!!

Steve Crook

Steve

funlover

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

funlover

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2007

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Don't these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

_________________

funlover

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says,

" I vish to buy sex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 Euros an hour"

" Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz aund kneez."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to
her hands and knees."Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs."You vill please blow zis
duck caller as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is
paying. The sex is fantastic.

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time
honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is
several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps -- "That was totally amazing....... What do you call
that?"

"Ah", says the German, "Zis vee call de ... "
.
.
.
.
.
(wait for it)


.
.
.
.
.


"...Four-sprung duck technique!"

funlover

The police were called to a notorious housing complex where youths were behaving badly. They discovered 4 boys who, amazingly, were swallowing gunpowder from fireworks and drinking battery fluid. They were taken to the police station and questioned. As a result two were let off and the other two were charged.

Chevyman

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am in Bond Street now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£89,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £1,950,000' for it.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £1,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

If I wasn't meant to drive that fast, the pedal would stop half way!!

Chevyman

The following is....alegedly.... the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast off England.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

U.S.NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. REPEAT 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. F**k off

If I wasn't meant to drive that fast, the pedal would stop half way!!

wadsy

A body was found floating under the Sydney Harbour Bridge last night.

The man was wearing an Arsenal football jersey, red lipstick, make up,

red nail polish, a skirt, fishnet stockings, high heels & had a sex aid inserted

into his rectum.

A police spokesman said the jersey was removed to save the

family any embarrassment!

(apologies Orpheum)!!

ShirlGirl

This one might have appeared before, but seeing as this thread is now 46 pages long, I won't be checking!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

batman

I wish I had claws.

David Brent

Two young boys at school.
The one young boy turns to the other and asks "How do you spell marriage?"

The other boy replies "I dunno but I know that marriage is not a word."

"Why do you say that?" the first boy asks

"Well my dad always says that marriage is a sentence" came the reply.

Dave.

funlover

A guy lived next the sea on a rather deserted part of the beach. He had a habit of sunbathing naked on the sand. One morning while so doing he noticed little Minnie the daughter of his neighbour half a mile away was approaching so he covered his privates with a newspaper. Minnie came up carrying a baseball bat and said "Good morning Mr Johnson" Mr J returned the greeting and asked where she was going. She told him that she was going to play baseball with Johhnie the son of his neighbour on the other side. She then asked what was under the newspaper and Mr J told her it was his little bird. Off she went and Mr J fell asleep.

He woke up in hospital terribly injured and burnt. The police came and asked him if he knew what happened and he said he did not. When asked if he had seen anyone he replied that only little Minnie had spoken to him that morning. So the bogies went to see little Minnie and asked if she knew anything about the incident. She said yes she did. It seems that on returning homeward she had discovered Mr J asleep and curiosity got the better of her and she wanted to look at his little bird.

"So I took the paper off and there was this cute little pink thing. I stroked it and it stood up and got bigger. Then it spat at me so I smashed its eggs with the baseball bat and set fire to it's nest"