funlover

Two venerable old Gentlemen were sitting on the promenade one gorgeous summer day. One said to the other "It's nice out isn't it" the other replied. "Yes, but now put it away before a copper comes"

funlover

Many people think that Tony Blair was George "Dubya" Bush's puppet. They are wrong. George needed someone to explain to him what to do.

Edward G

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

sippog

You must be a fan of "Krazy Kat" - or you orta be. Me too.

Edward G

Sure am. Joke is subtle. Even I felt intelligent telling it today!

I'm as mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

Marky B

A man was explaining to a policeman how he got involved with a fight.

"I was driving along the road and I pulled in too sharp in front of another car,which caused it too swerve into a tree. I got out to help and then this little midget came out full of fury. 'I am not f***ing happy.'
"So I replied,'Which one are you then?' Anyway,that's how the fight started."
Ta Ta
Marky B

I am special. The heavens always open for me.

wookie 1

Two chavs have a race and jump off beachy head.
Who wins .
Society.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Valerie

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one
more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box,
saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy
opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

Better the chaos of creativity than the tidiness of idleness.

Dame Starry

Daft Crooks

New York:
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Louisiana:
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Kentucky:
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

DS x.

Chevyman

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and

the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one
christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts

some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty well.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matt er.

He said, "darling you were right." "all these years you have warned me a nd i didn't listen to you".

"what do you mean?" asked his wife.

"well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened."

but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in."

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Chevyman

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
Sh!t

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

harryfielder

When I was a young lad during the 1940s in London we were very poor and lived in a couple of rooms..Mum and Dad did the best they could do for all the kids..3 brothers and 2 sisters but at night time we all slept in the same bed Top and tail !!!!
Trouble was we all peed the bed and on my birthday for a treat dad said..''What end would you like to sleep in tonight son ??

I said ''Please Dad,,could I sleep in the shallow end''

Aitch,

http://www.turnipnet.com/aitch/aitch/gallery.htm

Chevyman

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'


He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure
was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I
seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It
was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over
a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back
on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through
the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Chevyman

An 85 year old couple had been married for
sixty years.


Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by
because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.


One day, their good health didn't help when they went
on a rare holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted
them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the wardrobe. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be
your home now."


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost.


"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your
reward in Heaven."


The old man looked out the window and right there he
saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful
than any ever built on Earth.


"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.


"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for
free, every day."


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks
to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is
Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."


The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his
wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.


"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can
eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"


The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"


"Not unless you want to," was the answer.


"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."


"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your
bloody stupid low fat, high fibre regime.



We could have been here ten years ago!"

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

David Brent

Did you hear the story of the man who had been the local flasher for 50 years and had contemplated hanging up his raincoat and retiring?

Then he changed his mind - and decided to stick it out for another year.



Dave.