David Brent

Three football fans stuck in the desert.

One was an Englishman, one a Scotsman and the other man was Irish.

Having not eaten for days they finally come across a dead camel in the desert.

"Right" said the Scotsman "I'm a Hearts supporter so I'll eat the camels heart".

"And I'm a proud Liverpool supporter" said the Englishman "So I'll eat the liver."

The Irishman looked slightly nervous but then spoke. "Well I support Arsenal - but I don't really feel hungry at the moment."

Dave.

vaggmk1938

I thought this worth passing on:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


ANSWER: Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round

.

DB7

Steve Crook

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so as much mentioned anything about the baby"s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses".

wadsy

A big Bear goes into a pub. The Barman says " how can I help you Sir"?. The Bear

says " I'll have a pint of................................................ ...........bitter Please.

The Barman pours the drink & says "There you are Sir but Tell me, Why the big

Pause??

Chevyman

Dear IT Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the
Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've
tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears
6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application
works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring
Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, do not install Mother-in-law. This is not a
supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I
personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, IT Support ------------------


Dear IT Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates
4.2,which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
Other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and
Porn 6.9.

Successive versions of Girl Friend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left
a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several
weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girl Friend 1.2 and Girl Friend 1.0 at the
same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
Product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
Free Sex Plus and Clean House 2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
Very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically
stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Multi-Whinge. These latter
products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem
is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law,
which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2008, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2008, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself'

If I wasn't meant to drive that fast, the pedal would stop half way!!

sippog

This is my kind of joke, I'm ashamed to say.

sippog

An oldie but still a favourite of mine:

A teacher in a tough inner city school is disturbed to see Little Jimmy starting an essay on The Police with the sentence: "Coppers is bastards . . ."

She gets in touch with the Police Community Officer who arranges for Little Jimmy to spend a day at the Police Station where he gets to ride in Police cars, visit the operations room, try on handcuffs and do a lot of other exciting stuff; finishing with a slap-up meal in the canteen.

Very pleased with herself, the teacher gets Little Jimmy to write another essay on his wonderful day out. After a while, she peeks over his shoulder and sees he has written: "Coppers is cunning bastards . . ."

Chevyman

A Jewish gent was talking to a business colleague about his daughter's impending marriage.

Hyman: Rachel's wedding is next month. Catering and everything is sorted but I still can't think what to give her on her wedding day.

Morris: Have you thought about jewellery? You got plenty of contacts!

Hyman: Yes but women are so difficult and fashions change so quickly.

Morris: What about an appartment by the coast, then they could both enjoy it?

Hyman: Her mother and me could never agree on where to buy it.

Morris: A car? I have a friend..........

Hyman: Cars she has. I'm not buying another one. Full stop!

Morris: Guess you'll just have to give her the money?

Hyman: Are you mad? Where am I going to get money at cost!

If I wasn't meant to drive that fast, the pedal would stop half way!!

harryfielder

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'
'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'
The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'
'You a smoker?' the demon asked.
'You better believe it!'
'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?'
'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'
The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.'
'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do'
'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'
The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'
'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'
'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
The demon said, 'You gay?'
'No.'
'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'

http://www.turnipnet.com/aitch/aitch/gallery.htm

Dame Starry

This is a real classified ad that I scanned from a well-known magazine:



DS x.

Chevyman

And this is from another

If I wasn't meant to drive that fast, the pedal would stop half way!!

Dame Starry

As I was only 3 months old when that was written, I shall treat it with the contempt it deserves - and then I'd better go and wash and change and get the old man's dinner on the table before he gets home............

DS x.

Chevyman

I'd reply nut I'm up to my neck with ironing and washing..........then I've got to do my face before she gets home

If I wasn't meant to drive that fast, the pedal would stop half way!!

Steve Crook

And it says you should "Be a little gay and a little more interesting"

Steve