Laughs

[DB7]

The Beatles at Xmas

[David Brent]

DB7: The Beatles at Xmas

"What are these things you call...as you say...Beetles?"

"I agree with Decca, these lads have just got no future."

"Thanks our kid.You just canny wack it Wacker."

Merry Beatlesmas to all.

[David Brent]

"Private Parts can you please take my suit back to Moss Bros."
"Yes sir, but there is a deposit on it."
"Oh dont worry it will rub off."

Goon but not forgotten.

"I'm walking backwards for Christmas........." hysteric

[DB7]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores,a townhouse, a beach front villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.


However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"


At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

[DB7]

The bunnies re-enact It's a Wonderful Life

[Steve Crook]

DB7: The bunnies re-enact It's a Wonderful Life

They're a great collection of mini-movies. I think their version of Titanic is great.

Steve

[David Brent]

We're all kids at heart.
As a kid growing up the Festive Season would not have been the same without receiving the gift of a Beano,Dandy,Beezer,TV Comic,Film Fun ect.. Christmas Annual.
One UK comic devoted to television in the 1970's was LOOK-IN.
Relive those comics and shows at -
www.lookinarchive.com/homepage.html

Enjoy

Dave.

[Marky B]

Thanks for that,Dave
I've had a quick browse through some of the early editions of Look-In - I used to get it every week. I was nine when the first edition came out.
Whatever happened to Tony Bastable and the others from the wannabe Blue Peter programme,Magpie?
Ta Ta
Marky B thumbs_u

[Brian Brandt]

A Colonel in the French Foreign Legion is assigned to command a fort in the middle of the desert. After a few months, the Colonel calls in the sergeant major.

“Sergeant Major,” says the Colonel (who is a tight-assed twit) “I’ve been here for several months now. There are no women. The need is becoming intense. How do the men do it.”

The Sergeant Major, who is a pretty cool guy responds, “Well, Sir, we…have a camel.”

The Colonel blanches slightly and tells the Sergeant Major, “Bring the camel to my quarters!”

The Sergeant Major leads the camel to the Colonel’s room. The Colonel looks at the camel and is overcome with passion. He walks up behind her, drops his pants, and has his way with the beast. At the moment of climax, he looks over his shoulder and realizes that in his haste he has forgotten to dismiss the Sergeant Major, who is standing at attention by the door. In his embarrassment, the Colonel blurts out, “Well, Sergeant, is that the way the men do it!”

The Sergeant Major replies, “No sir. They usually ride her into town.”

[Brian Brandt]

A farmer has some pigs he wants to breed, so he goes to the Agricultural Extension Agent for advice. The Agent tells him he should use artificial insemination, and that when it is successful, the pigs will be lying down. The farmer doesn’t know exactly what artificial insemination is, but he doesn’t want to appear stupid, so he says nothing to the Agent. In his confusion, he assumes that he should personally service the pigs.

The farmer puts all the pigs into his truck and drives to the woods, where he porks each of the pigs. The next morning he’s tired, but he goes to the barn and sees that none of the pigs are lying down.

He gathers the pigs into the truck again and sets off for the woods, where he spends the morning with the pigs. The following day, he is exhausted, but drags himself out of bed and enters the barn, where he finds that, once again, none of the pigs are lying down.

He goes to an oyster bar in town, then to the woods again, where he spends all day shagging the pigs. He staggers back to his bedroom and falls into a comatose sleep. The next morning, he is too tired to get out of bed. He asks his wife to go to the barn and check the condition of the pigs. When she returns, he asks, “Are the pigs lying down?” To which she responds, “No, they’re all in the truck, and one’s honking the horn.”

[deckard]

A Farmer and his family sadly fall on hard times, so they decide to go to market and sell their belongings. They load up the horse and cart and just as the farmer and his daughter were leaving the wife runs out and says "husband, take my grandmother's diamond ring to market as well"..."no,no,no" says the farmer "that's your family heirloom"...."it's alright, when times are hard we have to do hard things" she says. So off they go to market, but on the way tragedy strikes...they are robbed by highwaymen, who take everything, even the horse and cart. They sit by the roadside destitute, and the farmer starts weeping... " Oh my, oh my we've lost everything"."it's alright Dad" says the daughter "I saved the diamond ring", "but how?" says the farmer," those thieving swine searched us thoroughly".."well I hid it down there" she says "Where?" says the farmer and the daughter points to her nether regions, suddenly the farmer starts wailing and stamping around twice as upset as before..." what's the matter Dad? " says the daughter " after all I did save the daimond ring"...." I know, I know " he wails, "but if your Mother had been here we'd have saved the horse and cart"!!! regards, Decks - the deviant. wink

[David Brent]

Man goes into a shop, takes out his penis and places it on top of the counter.
Attractive female shop assistant looks aghast.
"Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop."
"I know" answers the man "Put two hands on that."

Dave.

[DB7]

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
”You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
”We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

”Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

”Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my wicked way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

”You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.


"We know." said the young man, hanging his head... "We're not welcome at Homebase either."

[Marky B]

Santa Claus was having rough time on Christmas Eve. The new elves who had replaced the old elves were not as good and so inefficient,there were still plenty of toys were not made. Three of his reindeers had come down sick,so therefore would slow his progress. Then his wife informed him that her mother was coming to stay. He went to the drink cupboard for some whisky,but it had been drunk dry by the elves for their Christmas party. One of the toy bags had fallen off the table,smashing most of the toys,and when he went to sweep them up,he found the hay on the broom brush had been eaten away by mice. He was really pissed off. Then a knock a came on the door,and he went to answer it - it was an angel.
"Where would you like your Christmas tree,Santa?" the angel asked.
Now you know where the custom comes from for putting angels on top of the Christmas tree.
Hope you are enjoying yourselves.
Ta Ta
Marky B thumbs_u

[DB7]

Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo

He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie plays an F# minor on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.

The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie tries an A and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"

By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan.

"But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply.

Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.

The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:

<wait for it!>
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"A jazz chord.............to say, I ruv you..."