batman

SirOllyBolly

SirOllyBolly

"What fresh lunacy is this?"

Chevyman

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning,
Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, ' No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Chevyman

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.


Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.


Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).


To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.


He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers ... and then there are educators

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

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Steve Crook

Steve

Chevyman

Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mum so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, little Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother pushed and pushed and after a little while, baby Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place .......smack his bum again!'

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Chevyman

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

RAREFILMFINDER

Now I have to tell you this as it is a true story,believe me.
Having broken my arm in prison ,on release I had to go and see my own GP who by the way is a great Doctor.
I made the appointment and went to see him. He of course asked how prison was and I give him a brief run down of the vet(doctor) they had in there.
But I was surprised when he said that I would have to come back on friday as he was to busy and I would have to bring a urine sample.I of course asked what the F++K could he tell from a urine sample when I only broke my arm and it was out of plaster by now.He just give me that look and said in his own knowing way" a lot".
Who was I to argue with Dr Singh,blinding doctor.
Well the week went quick and on thursday night my wife reminded me about the appointment with Doc. So I thought what could he tell from a urine sample about my arm.
That got me mind working as it does and I asked my wife to pee in the sample pot then went out to the car and took a bit of oil from the dipstick and for luck had a quick hand shandy and mixed it up.
Looked a dark colour but I thought that would screw him up.
When I got there I went straight in and the first thing he asked for was the sample.I gave it to him and watched as he held it up to the light and shook it a little.
Without thinking I just said "what can you tell with that about my arm"
He replied so calmly "a lot Lenny a lot "
"Firstly your wifes pregnant, your engine is f++ked and if you dont stop w+nking your arm wont get better"
Clever bastards these doctors,truth.

lenny

Chevyman

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband; 'Why dost thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving
thy tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: 'How, dear?'

And Dot replied: 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply
telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums
and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide) himself inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that
would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others.' And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it
came to be known 'eBay <http://www.ebay.com/> ' he said, 'We need a name that reflects what we are.'

And Dot replied: 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'
'YAHOO!' said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

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Dame Starry

In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

Dame Starry

Dame Starry

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me that I have the breasts of a 25 year old.
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old arse?"
She replies, "Actually dear, your name never came up."

Chevyman

In an effort to control our food bills, I've taken to shoping in some of the "cheaper" food outlets.

I can thoroughly recommend the Korean Meatballs. They really are the dogs danglies

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Chevyman

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom at all. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says:
'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.'
The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money.'

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Chevyman

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?