Dame Starry

I don't know why, but this is my favourite Garfield cartoon of all time:



DS x.

Dame Starry

....and I also love 'Fred':




DS x.

Chevyman

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her..
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket..

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

hankoler

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how many can you recognise in this picture.

Dame Starry

What's the difference between Max Mosley and Robert Mugabe?

Max Mosley knows when he's beaten.......

batman

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

Dame Starry

DS xx.

Chevyman

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Chevyman

A Yorkshire Farmer is overseeing his herd in a remote part of the County when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The Farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Reet, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,150- page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the farmer.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man, 'Ey Up!, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the British Government', says the farmer.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ... This is a herd of sheep.



Now give me back my dog.'

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

batman

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

batman

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

batman

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

batman

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

batman

"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"

franco77

a young man called bill wanted to buy a christmas present for his girlfriend.they hadnt being seeing each other long and she lived a considerable distance away.he consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note,not too romantic and not too personal.off he went with his sister to harrods ladies department and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.his sister at the same time bought a pair of knickers for herself.Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the 2 items,the sister got the gloves and bill got the knickers.good old bill sent of his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.Dear sasha i chose these because ive noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.if it had not been for my sister i would have chosen the long ones with buttons,but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.these are a very delicate shade but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. i had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her,she also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.in fact she hasnt needed to wash it since she began wearing them.i wish i was there to put them on for you the first time,as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again.when you take them off remember to blow into them a little because they will be naturally a bit damp from wearing.just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.i hope you wear them for me on our next date.ALL MY LOVE BILL. P.S. my mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing XXX