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Old 25-09-2008, 03:32 PM
  post #811
Chevyman is wary of airheads
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Default New Health Shocker!
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you, but our TV personalities are trying their best to correct the problem

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?
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Old 27-09-2008, 08:46 AM
  post #812
Chevyman is wary of airheads
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George W. Bush was out jogging along the parkway one morning when suddenly he tripped, fell over the railing on the bridge and landed in the Potomac river. The strong current immediately swept him into the middle of the river before the Secret Service guys could do anything about rescuing him.



However, there were three kids fishing in a rowing boat in the middle of the river, and they managed to pull him out of the water.



George W. was so grateful that he offered the kids anything in the World that they wanted as a reward.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland!"

"No problem," George replied, "I shall take you there on Air Force One".

Then the second kid said, "I want a new pair of Air Jordans."

George said, "I'll get them for you, son, and even have Michael Jordan sign them if you like!"

And then the third kid said, "I'd like a motorised wheelchair with a built in TV, DVD player and iPod."

George was a little confused. "That's fine, son.", he replied, "But what do you want with that lot? It certainly doesn't look like you need a wheelchair."

"I will after my Dad finds out I saved your from drowning!" said the kid.
"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?
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Old 29-09-2008, 05:58 PM
  post #813
batman is little big horn
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When you occasionally have a really bad day,


and you just need to take it out on someone,


don't take it out on someone you know,


take it out on someone you don't know,


but you know deserves it.



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered


a phone call I'd forgotten to make.



I found the number and dialled it.



A man answered, saying


'Hello.'



I politely said,


'This is Chris.


Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'



Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear


'Get the right f***ing number!'


and the phone was slammed down on me.



I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.



When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,


I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.



After hanging up with her,


I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.



When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled


'You're an asshole!'


and hung up.



I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,


and put it in my desk drawer.



Every couple of weeks,


when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,


I'd call him up and yell,


'You're an asshole!'



It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID was introduced,


I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'


calling would have to stop.



So, I called his number and said,


'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.


I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'



He yelled


'NO!'


and slammed down the phone.



I quickly called him back and said,


'That's because you're an asshole!'


and hung up.



One day I was at the store,


getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.



Some guy in a black BMW


cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.



I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,


but the idiot ignored me.



I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,


so I wrote down his number.



A couple of days later,


right after calling the first asshole


(I had his number on speed dial,)


I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.



I said,


'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'



He said,


'Yes, it is.'



I then asked,


'Can you tell me where I can see it?'



He said,


'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .


It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'



I asked,


'What's your name?'



He said,


'My name is Don Hansen,'



I asked,


'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'



He said,


'I'm home every evening after five.'



I said,


'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'



He said,


'Yes?'



I said,


'Don, you're an asshole!'



Then I hung up,


and added his number to my speed dial, too.



Now, when I had a problem,


I had two assholes to call.



Then I came up with an idea...



I called asshole #1.



He said,


'Hello.'



I said,


'You're an asshole!'


(But I didn't hang up.)



He asked,


'Are you still there?'



I said,


'Yeah!'



He screamed,


'Stop calling me,'



I said,


'Make me,'



He asked,


'Who are you?'



I said,


'My name is Don Hansen.'



He said,


'Yeah? Where do you live?'



I said,


'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,


a yellow ranch style home and


I have a black Beamer parked in front.'



He said,


'I'm coming over right now, Don.


And you had better start saying your prayers.'



I said,


'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'


and hung up.



Then I called Asshole #2.



He said,


'Hello?'



I said,


'Hello, asshole,'



He yelled,


'If I ever find out who you are...'



I said,


'You'll what?'



He exclaimed,


'I'll kick your ass,'



I answered,


'Well, asshole, here's your chance.


I'm coming over right now.'



Then I hung up and immediately called the police,


saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,


and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.



Then I called Channel 7 News


about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .



I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .



I got there just in time to watch two assholes


beating the crap out of each other


in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter


and surrounded by a news crew.



NOW I feel much better.



Anger management really does work.
"Boom boom a baby .... Banham Zoo .... Banana pants! Hahahaha"
Last edited by batman; 29-09-2008 at 06:01 PM..
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Old 29-09-2008, 07:12 PM
  post #814
Marky B is wishing he could hibernate
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Quote:
Originally Posted by batman View Post
When you occasionally have a really bad day,



and you just need to take it out on someone,


don't take it out on someone you know,


take it out on someone you don't know,


but you know deserves it.



I was sitting at my desk when I remembered


a phone call I'd forgotten to make.



I found the number and dialled it.



A man answered, saying


'Hello.'



I politely said,


'This is Chris.


Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'



Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear


'Get the right f***ing number!'


and the phone was slammed down on me.



I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.



When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,


I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.



After hanging up with her,


I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.



When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled


'You're an asshole!'


and hung up.



I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,


and put it in my desk drawer.



Every couple of weeks,


when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,


I'd call him up and yell,


'You're an asshole!'



It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID was introduced,


I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'


calling would have to stop.



So, I called his number and said,


'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.


I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'



He yelled


'NO!'


and slammed down the phone.



I quickly called him back and said,


'That's because you're an asshole!'


and hung up.



One day I was at the store,


getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.



Some guy in a black BMW


cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.



I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,


but the idiot ignored me.



I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,


so I wrote down his number.



A couple of days later,


right after calling the first asshole


(I had his number on speed dial,)


I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.



I said,


'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'



He said,


'Yes, it is.'



I then asked,


'Can you tell me where I can see it?'



He said,


'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax .


It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'



I asked,


'What's your name?'



He said,


'My name is Don Hansen,'



I asked,


'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'



He said,


'I'm home every evening after five.'



I said,


'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'



He said,


'Yes?'



I said,


'Don, you're an asshole!'



Then I hung up,


and added his number to my speed dial, too.



Now, when I had a problem,


I had two assholes to call.



Then I came up with an idea...



I called asshole #1.



He said,


'Hello.'



I said,


'You're an asshole!'


(But I didn't hang up.)



He asked,


'Are you still there?'



I said,


'Yeah!'



He screamed,


'Stop calling me,'



I said,


'Make me,'



He asked,


'Who are you?'



I said,


'My name is Don Hansen.'



He said,


'Yeah? Where do you live?'



I said,


'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,


a yellow ranch style home and


I have a black Beamer parked in front.'



He said,


'I'm coming over right now, Don.


And you had better start saying your prayers.'



I said,


'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'


and hung up.



Then I called Asshole #2.



He said,


'Hello?'



I said,


'Hello, asshole,'



He yelled,


'If I ever find out who you are...'



I said,


'You'll what?'



He exclaimed,


'I'll kick your ass,'



I answered,


'Well, asshole, here's your chance.


I'm coming over right now.'



Then I hung up and immediately called the police,


saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,


and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.



Then I called Channel 7 News


about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .



I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .



I got there just in time to watch two assholes


beating the crap out of each other


in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter


and surrounded by a news crew.



NOW I feel much better.




Anger management really does work.
Very good,Bats
Ta Ta
Marky B
I am special. The heavens always open for me.
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Old 04-10-2008, 06:11 PM
  post #815
DB7
DB7 is blinkin freezin
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Old 04-10-2008, 10:34 PM
  post #816
sippog is . .no, REALLY does have no status
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I like this one (courtesy of Sanjeev in The Sunday Times):
A woman went into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.
If I had a swimming pool, it would probably burn down . . .
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Old 05-10-2008, 06:43 AM
  post #817
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What do you call a water bird that has a habit of looking through people's bathroom windows?

A peeping duck.



Dave.
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Old 05-10-2008, 09:58 AM
  post #818
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David Brent View Post
What do you call a water bird that has a habit of looking through people's bathroom windows?

A peeping duck.



Dave.
Sorry about the typo.

That should read - A peeking duck.

Dave.
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Old 06-10-2008, 08:10 AM
  post #819
Dame Starry is without status today.
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I saw this and thought of all the disillusioned 'boys' on the "Football Special" thread:



DS x.
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Old 07-10-2008, 07:11 AM
  post #820
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How does Batman's mother call him for dinner?

Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!

Dave.
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Old 07-10-2008, 04:18 PM
  post #821
Chevyman is wary of airheads
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