Dame Starry

..............

Chevyman

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Dame Starry

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

Chevyman

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Dame Starry

The Christmas countdown has begun - don't leave it all until the last minute!

Chevyman

Scenes of mayhem were witnessed at a recent pantomime in aid of the Paranoia Society when somebody in the audience shouted "It's behind you!"

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

David Brent

A man walks into the doctors and says "I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom."
The doctor says "How's that?"
The man replies "Don't you bloody start!"

Dave.

batman

YouTube - Sunshine

batman

BEWARE! This may be offensive to some people ....

Link: http://www.fasthumor.com/images/FUCK.swf

batman

a husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts,

darling,
could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily,
fix the lights now?

does it look like i have united utilities written on my forehead?

i don't think so.

Fine,

then the wife asks,
well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close properly

to which he replied,
fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have hotpoint
written on my forehead?

i don't think so

fine, she says
then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?
They are about to break

i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps
he says, does it look like i have
jewsons written on my forehead?

i don't think so
i've had enough of this.
I'm going to the pub!!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a
couple of hours...............................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat
outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.

He offered to do all the repairs,

and all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said,
so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied,
hellooooo..

do you see delia smith written
on my forehead?
I don't think so!

Chevyman

Lovely

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Dame Starry

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'

Chevyman

"One appears to have dropped one's monocle in the soufflee"

Why not visit the Festive Fayre section?

Bernardo

A patient complains to his doctor that he has a song on his mind and it is driving him crazy. 'What is it?' asks the Dr. 'Green green grass of home' was the reply, in my sleep in the bath, every waking moment! I can't take it much more sobs the patient.
That's alright, you have TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome.
I have never heard of it. Is it rare?
Well It's.. not unusual.

batman

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes
in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up
on the motorway.'
'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK,
but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as
gently as I can. Your W*lly was chopped off in the wreck and we were
unable to find it.'
The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've
checked your insurance and you've actually got 9,000 compensation
coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build
you a new W*lly that will work just as well as your old one, better in
fact.
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an
inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple
decision,' the doctor says, "you need to decide how many
inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife.I mean, if you had a five inch W*lly before and you decide to go for
a nine inch W*lly now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a
nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she
might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the
decision.' So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. 'So' he says, 'have you spoken
with your wife?'
'I have.' says the chap.
'And has she helped you to make the decision?'
'Yes, she has' he says.
'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'