Marky B

I'm a big fan of Stevie Wonder (although I can't stand I just called to say I love you) and what follows is a joke said by the man himself:"I was once given a book to read,it was the worst book I've ever read. However,it turned out to be cheese grater" That was from the great man himself.
Ta Ta
Marky B thumbs_u

I am special. The heavens always open for me.

David Brent

Stevie Wonder on tour in Australia visits a china store and proceeds to walk around the store knocking valuable pieces off the shelves with his white stick.
The shop assistant seeing all the smashed china runs up to Stevie and shouts "Can i help you at all Mr.Wonder?"
"No thanks" replies Little Stevie "I'm only looking."
DB7 your joke reminds me of that sketch in 'Only Fools and Horses' where Uncle Albert at the pub piano announces "I will now sing that great old song Ada."
Everyone in the pub looks at each other trying to think of the song in question. Then Albert begins to sing.......
"Ada...you with the stars in your eyes..."
Classic moment!

Dave.

DB7

Amazing to think 12 months have passed already, Time Flies, anyway Merry Christmas to one 'n' all. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/newyear.gif[/img]

And.... webmasters who didn't think when they registered their URL Here's a list of some funny URLs, where the designer didn't thinking about how people would read the name of the site:

1) Who Represents? A database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with
Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com

smudge

And Mrs. Smudge reckons you need to get out more, DB7 !

Welcome to my house. Enter freely, and of your own will...

David Brent

A policeman pulls up two Irish drunks staggering along the street.
"What's your name and address?" he asks the first one.
"I'm Paddy O'Day of no fixed address" the first Irishman answers.
The policeman turns to the second Irishman and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Dave.

Diane Blackwell

Did you hear about the dylslexic Devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

(Yes Smudge, it's one of the few jokes I know! )

Diane Blackwell

And I've just realised I obviously can't spell "dyslexic"!

Marky B

I read today that Callum Best will inherit £3,000,000 - or at least he will do when he takes the empties back.

I am not sure this one will work,but it is a good for having a dig at a mate's favourite football team's dire performance.

After their match last Wednesday 1 December,the Best family rang up Sunderland FC and thanked them for their 91 minute silence.

Ta Ta
Marky B

I am special. The heavens always open for me.

ollie

Two Snowmen in the garden, and one turns to the other and say's "Can you smell carrots?"

cheers Ollie.

"Bullseye !!"

tonewheel

How many District Councillors does it take to change a light bulb? The answer is 26, One to change the bulb & 25 to fly to the caribbean on a fact finding tour to study how light bulbs are changed in Jamaica.

mysteriesofedgarwallace

Scraped from another forum>>>>>

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:-























Always keep your condoms in your car!

DB7

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b*****d! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?

The husband sighed. "F***,... it's started."

mysteriesofedgarwallace

On a similar theme, did you know that the word: wife is, infact an abbreviation?

Washes, Irons, F***s, Etc.

lostintown

I say, I say, I say.My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?



Through his ears, he's had an operation.

David Brent

What's red and white and red and white and red and white?

Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I'll never part with it.

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?

You get tinsel-itus.

Dave.