rjd0309

Man walks up to a blonde woman sitting at a bar, asks "Would you like to hear my blonde joke?"

Blonde gives him a withering look, says "Hey, I'm a karate black belt. That second blonde over there is a champion kickboxer, and that third blonde is a judo expert. Are you SURE that you want to tell a blonde joke?"

Guy says, "Well, not if I'll have to explain it THREE times."

samkydd

Post removed in case Lady Lois objects.

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

David Brent

That reminds me of another joke Sam [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

British bloke on holiday in Bangkok decides to visit a massage parlour.
He's greeted by this luscious, nubile Asian lady who tells him to strip off and lie on the table.
She then strips naked herself revealing a buxom figure. She then proceeds to pour oil all over the man's body and then climbs on top of him rubbing the oil into his flesh with her own naked body.
It was the best body massage the Brit had ever had and before too long he felt a stirring in his nether region.
The beautiful Asian girl stopped massaging and looked down at the guy's erection.
"You want wank?" she asked him.
"Oh, yes please." the Brit answered, not believing his luck.
The Asian lady climbed off the table and walked toward's a nearby door.
As she opened the door she looked back at the Brit and said -
"You let me know when you finished."
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rotfl.gif[/img]

Dave.

ollie

"What do angry mice send for christmas?"

"cross mouse cards"

cheers Ollie.

"Bullseye !!"

Marky B

Two men were fishing by a river in the countryside one Saturday afternoon. One said to the other:"I see Sunderland lost today"?
His mate turned to him with a nonplussed look. "How do you know? We have no mobiles,no radio or any form of communication!"
The first one looked at his watch:"It's ten to five!"
Ta Ta
Marky B

I once shot an elephant in my pyjamas - how he got in my pyjamas,I'll never know

smudge

Just a note to say that a lot of these are going down well at the office....

Cheers chaps ! Keep em coming...

SMUDGE

Welcome to my house. Enter freely, and of your own will...

DB7

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone by the railway? Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the train tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, like doggies, every position imaginable!

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky b*stard - was she pretty?"

"Dunno... I never found the head."

rjd0309

Two Eskimos go out early one morning to do some ice fishing. They encounter a young boy, already fishing, who has apparently found a great spot, as he has already caught about a dozen fish. So the Eskimos join him.

Two hours later, the Eskimos have caught nothing, while the boy is ready to leave, having caught a dozen more. The Eskimos ask, "What's your secret, son?"

"Mmmpph glaggmm", the boy mumbles.

"Sorry, could you repeat that?"

The boy spits a writhing mass into his hand. "Keep your worms warm."

Steve Crook

:blink::blink:

samkydd

Post removed in case Lady Lois objects.

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

Jackdaw

Customer walks into sweet shop.

Customer : Excuse me,is that Mars bar for sale?

Shopkeeper : Yes sir,it is.

Customer : OK. I''ll probably come back later, I've got a couple more to see.

rjd0309

A young man receives a rifle for Christmas, and immediately sets out for the Canadian wilderness, eager to shoot something. The first thing he sees is a little brown bear. So he gets a bead on his target, and shoots the bear dead.

Just then there is a tap on his shoulder. He whirls around to find himself facing a large black bear. "That was a big mistake", the bear says. "I really ought to maul you to death, but I feel like having sex. Bend over!" So our hunter bends over.

After he recovers from his injuries, our hunter vows revenge. He returns to the wilderness, tracks down the large black bear, and shoots the bear dead.

Just then there is a tap on his shoulder. He whirls around to find himself facing a huge grizzly bear. "I saw that", the grizzly says. "I really ought to maul you to death, but I feel like having sex. Bend over!" So our hunter bends over.

After he gets out of the hospital, our hunter vows revenge. He returns to the wilderness, tracks down the grizzly bear, and shoots the bear dead.

Just then there is a tap on his shoulder. He whirls around to find himself facing a gigantic polar bear. The bear eyes him suspiciously. "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

David Brent

Professional golfer pick's up a girl in a bar and take's her back to his place.
Once in bed the golfer climbs onto the girl and is just about to make love when the girl start's to complain.
"Be careful, you're caught in my pantie's! Don't be so quick! How about foreplay? You're coming in at the wrong angle! Lower! Higher! Do that again! You're falling short!......"
Suddenly the golfer stops what he's doing, climbs out of bed and goes to the phone.
"What are you doing?" the girl asks
"I'm just phoning my caddie" the golfer replied "I need to know how to play this hole!"

Dave.

samkydd

Post removed in case Lady Lois objects.

"...the chairman of Littlewoods stores made a Keynote speech!"

DB7

Dangers of online dating