Laughs - Page 44 - Britmovie

Dame Starry · 12-05-2008, 10:29 PM

A husband and wife went for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

Dame Starry · 12-05-2008, 10:34 PM

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The skeleton says, "A beer and a mop."

Chevyman · 13-05-2008, 03:24 PM

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies,
'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN . A attractive woman catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN . Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN . You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today
'OLD' IS WHEN .. 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN . An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN. You are not sure these are jokes

batman · 13-05-2008, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chevyman

'OLD' IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN . You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN . An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN. You are not sure these are jokes

But they're not jokes .....

Chevyman · 13-05-2008, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by batman

But they're not jokes .....

Indeed Bats

"I remain unsure"

Chevyman · 13-05-2008, 04:34 PM

QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'

batman · 13-05-2008, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chevyman

Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...

The pioneering heart surgeon Christian Barnard actually believed this was true!

He said that 'healthy' living wouldn't prolong your life .... but 'unhealthy' living could shorten it.

Even if you were the most healthy and fit person in the world, your heart would stop when it had used up all it's beats, no matter if you were 16yrs old or 86yrs old.

Steve Crook · 13-05-2008, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by batman

The pioneering heart surgeon Christian Barnard actually believed this was true!

He said that 'healthy' living wouldn't prolong your life .... but 'unhealthy' living could shorten it.

Even if you were the most healthy and fit person in the world, your heart would stop when it had used up all it's beats, no matter if you were 16yrs old or 86yrs old.

He's not the only one. There's a formula that you can apply to most animals that will determine how accurately they all live by the number of heartbeats. Little scampering things like mice have a very fast heartbeat - and don't live long even if they live their natural span. Big sedate things like elephants and whales live for a long time. But their hearts beat a lot slower. They all have about the same number of heartbeats.

The only animal that this formula doesn't work on is the human animal

Steve

Steve Crook · 13-05-2008, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chevyman

QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
...
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'

Coffee is a vegetable, chocolate is made from a vegetable, tobacco is a vegetable, beer and whisky are both made from vegetables. I have no problem in getting my five portions of fruit or vegetables per day as per the Government guidelines

Steve

Chevyman · 14-05-2008, 09:54 AM

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

===============

A customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with their
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer
is working fine.'

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

wadsy · 14-05-2008, 10:23 AM

A woman in Moscow goes to buy a new car. " what colour would you like"? asks

the dealer. "Red i think" she says. "Air conditioning"? he asks "oh yes please"

she replies. Anyway after much discussion she makes her choice. "When can

i collect it"? she finally asks. "June 17th 2013" he says. After a moments thought

she says "thank god for that, i have the plumber coming round on the 16th!!

Chevyman · 15-05-2008, 04:30 PM

Beware the "chef" who cooks tagliatelle but can pronounce it properly

lostintown · 15-05-2008, 05:32 PM

An ancient Roman walks into a bar and asks for "A martinus"

The barman says, "Don't you mean a martini?"

The Roman reaches across the bar, pulls the barman to him and says....

"Listen,son. If I want a double, I'll ask for one"

wadsy · 17-05-2008, 04:24 AM

An Irishman bought a metal detector. he went into a field & dug down

2000ft then he realised he had steel toecaps on his boots!

13-05-2008, 04:34 PM	#652
Chevyman has no status. Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Out on the open road Posts: 505 My Mood: Country: iTrader: (0)	I love this doctor QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'

14-05-2008, 09:54 AM	#656
Chevyman has no status. Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Out on the open road Posts: 505 My Mood: Country: iTrader: (0)	PC Customer Support Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A white one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. =============== Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... ============== = Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. =============== Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. =============== Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer:! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... =============== Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? == ============= Customer: can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. =============== Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. =============== Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. =============== Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? =============== A customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with their printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.' =============== And last but not least... Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.' Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

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12-05-2008, 01:33 PM	#646
Dame Starry has no status. Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Here Posts: 3,183 Country: iTrader: (0)

12-05-2008, 10:29 PM	#647
Dame Starry has no status. Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Here Posts: 3,183 Country: iTrader: (0)	A husband and wife went for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

12-05-2008, 10:34 PM	#648
Dame Starry has no status. Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Here Posts: 3,183 Country: iTrader: (0)	A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "A beer and a mop."

13-05-2008, 03:24 PM	#649
Chevyman has no status. Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Out on the open road Posts: 505 My Mood: Country: iTrader: (0)	A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 'OLD' IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN . A attractive woman catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 'OLD' IS WHEN . Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN . You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 'OLD' IS WHEN 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today 'OLD' IS WHEN .. 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN . An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN. You are not sure these are jokes

14-05-2008, 10:23 AM	#657
wadsy has no status. Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: sydney australia Posts: 699 My Mood: Country: iTrader: (0)	A woman in Moscow goes to buy a new car. " what colour would you like"? asks the dealer. "Red i think" she says. "Air conditioning"? he asks "oh yes please" she replies. Anyway after much discussion she makes her choice. "When can i collect it"? she finally asks. "June 17th 2013" he says. After a moments thought she says "thank god for that, i have the plumber coming round on the 16th!!

15-05-2008, 04:30 PM	#658
Chevyman has no status. Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Out on the open road Posts: 505 My Mood: Country: iTrader: (0)	Beware the "chef" who cooks tagliatelle but can pronounce it properly

15-05-2008, 05:32 PM	#659
lostintown has no status. Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: the back of beyond Posts: 174 Country: iTrader: (18)	An ancient Roman walks into a bar and asks for "A martinus" The barman says, "Don't you mean a martini?" The Roman reaches across the bar, pulls the barman to him and says.... "Listen,son. If I want a double, I'll ask for one"

17-05-2008, 04:24 AM	#660
wadsy has no status. Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: sydney australia Posts: 699 My Mood: Country: iTrader: (0)	An Irishman bought a metal detector. he went into a field & dug down 2000ft then he realised he had steel toecaps on his boots!