Laughs

[MrDrakesDuck]

A Scouser is someone who helps Tranmere beat Southampton, Everton et al

And gets them relegated in the same season.

[Freddy]

Now I know how Pike felt!

[David Brent]

Man drinking with mates in the pub suddenly realises that he's forgotten his wedding anniversary.

Thinking his wife will kill him for forgetting he phones up his local florist and orders a dozen red roses to be delivered to his wife.

He carries on drinking and finally arrives home early - at 2.00 am.

He staggers into the bedroom to be greeted by his wife lying naked on top of the bed.

"What are you doing?" he asked

"Darling" his wife replied "this is for the beautiful red roses."

"What!" the husband slurred "havn't you got a vase?"

[sunofyork]

A circus manager is sitting in his office, head in hands, sobbing. His secretary comes in.

"Why are you crying?"

"Oh it's terrible. The Human Cannonball has resigned. He's going to another circus!"

"Well it's surely not the end of the world. Advertise for a replacement."

" Oh, if only it were that easy! Where am I ever going to find another man of his calibre......"



Happy Christmas One and All



Raymond

[Johnny English]

Man on holiday goes to boarding house at the seaside.

"Have you got any rooms?" he asked the landlady.

"Yes dear.One night's stay is $50." she answered.

"Oh, i'll pay that with pleasure." the man smiled.

"With pleasure...that's $100."

[David Brent]

That joke about the hotel reminds me of the travelling salesman who needs a place to stay.

He finally finds a B&B and pays for a weeks stay.

"Have you got a good memory for faces" asked the lady who ran the hotel

"Yes,matter of fact i have.Why do you ask?" asked the travelling salesman.

"Theres no mirror in the bathroom" she answered.



Dave.

[deckard]

A man puts a "for sale" board outside his house which reads...." For Sale - latest full version of Encyclopedia Britannica, not required anymore as my wife knows everything!" Boom-Boom. Regards, Decks.

[Gibbie]

Sounds like a Rumpole joke. :) "She who rules..."

[deckard]

and "must be obeyed"

[deckard]

Oh! btw check out this site...it tickled me pink! http://www.msxnet.org/humour/london-airpor...t-announcements have fun! hysteric regards, Decks.

[plasticjock]

Woman can’t get laid. Hasn’t had sex for at least 5 years. Smart businesswoman, runs her own company, successful, dresses nice, lots of socialising…..but can’t get a man to come home with her. So she goes to the doctor and explains all this and how it is affecting her business, how she deals with people, her employees, her clients, how depressed she’s getting…and how frustrated she is.

Her doctor explains that he’s not really au fait with these kind of problems but that he can recommend a Chinese doctor friend of his who specialises in diagnosing these sorts of issues. She agrres to see him and he give her a letter of introduction.

She makes an appointment with the Chinese doctor and goes to see him. When he finishes reading the letter he looks up at her and says, “Take off croze, prease” So she strips down. He then says, “Okay, get down on hans-knees and craw’ towar’ door!”

So she crawls to the door, thinking this is most strange. “Okay, turn round and craw’ back preaze!” says doctor.

When she ges back to desk the doctor says,”Okay, stan’up. You have most a-serious probrem. You hav’ Exaggery Disease!”

“Oh my god……err…I’ve never heard of it, what is it?”, she asks.

The doctor looks her straight in the eye and bellows,”It’s when yo’ face look exaggery like yo’ arse!” lol



.............I'll get me coat

[David Brent]

Man visits a prostitute and makes love as though his life depended on it.

"You really needed that didn't you?" said the prostitute.

"Yes" the client replied "I've been in the VD clinic for 6 weeks."

"What's the food like there?" she asked.

"Why?" asked the puzzled client.

"Because" she answered "I go in tomorrow".

[Freddy]

18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,

which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are

apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution

was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several

other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy

6.9.



Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware

program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my

system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.



Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the

same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each

other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.



I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this

product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0

tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with

FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.



Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be

very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically

stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then

resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.



Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and

can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter

products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the

problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating

regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle

Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also

spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These

conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that

they are an illegal operation.



Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often

crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called

MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.



Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be

problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0

detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before

uninstalling itself.



Any Ideas?

>



LOL

Freddy

[Marky B]

We might have to start to be beware of what we are writing. Might end up in jail for seven years. Bernard Manning could end up getting life.

Ta Ta

Marky B thumbs_u

[Steve Crook]

Marky B:

We might have to start to be beware of what we are writing. Might end up in jail for seven years. Bernard Manning could end up getting life.

Ta Ta

Marky B

I certainly don't fancy the idea of sharing a cell with Bernard Manning.



Steve

[Hell_driver]

Man walks into a pet shop and says to the vendor

"I'd like a wasp please"



to which the vendor replies " A wasp? what on earth do you want a wasp for?"



Man: " I want a wasp for a pet please."



Vendor: "Don't be silly you can't have a wasp for a pet."



Man: "Why not there's one in the window."

(Drum roll & cymbals)

[Hackett]

Whats black and white and very thin?.

[Brian Brandt]

We don't know. What?

[David Brent]

American sailor on leave in Australia.

Has been at sea a long time so decides to visit a lady of the night.

He's really getting into it and enjoying himself when he asks "How am i going ma'am?"

"Well sailor, you're going about 3 knots" she answers.

"Gee, I dont understand you Aussies.What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well" she replied "You're not in, you're not hard and you're not getting your money back."



Dave.

[DB7]

An outtake from The Dambusters