Clinton Morgan

Based on a website called 'The Amazon Knee-Jerk Reaction Page' this will be a thread where we can play a game. The rules are simple.

1. Go to the http://www.imdb.com
2. Type in the name of a classic British film. No rules about the era it was made. Modern classics are allowed in this game.
3. Go to the 'Check for other user comments' page.
4. Select 'Hated It'.
5. Choose the most idiotic reaction and paste it on this thread for all to laugh at.
6. Weep at the current state of cinema and wish Barry Norman was still presenting the 'Film' programmes.


<span style="color:red">WARNING
YOU ARE DISQUALIFIED IF YOU TYPE, 'WELL, EVERYBODY'S ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN OPINION'</span>

<span style="color:blue">THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN THIS GAME, ONLY LOSERS</span>

Okay, I'll start...

...Goodness, I've thrown an eight. How did that happen?

Okay here goes......


A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH
as reviewed by moviemaster from San Francisco

I saw this movie recently because a friend brought it with him from NYC. After 30 minutes, I said to him," You've got to be kidding. Is this some sort of joke?" He thought it was good. I told him that I thought it was probably one of the silliest movies ever made. "What was it supposed to be?" I asked. "A propaganda movie made for children?" The plot is stupid. The acting is the worst ever for most of the principals and frankly people who look at this sort of tripe and think it has anything to do with life, love or even afterlife, of which it offers an incredibly idiotic view...need some psychiatric help. Please, if someone tries to get you to stick this in your DVD or Video player, consider it like you would a virus introduced into your computer...it won't destroy your player but it will destroy your evening. If they had made Razzies in the '40s, this would have won in every category. (PS. It also goes under the dubious sobriquet of "Stairway to Heaven.")

dylan

There are some real gems of customer reviews on the TESCO DVD rental site. Here's one opinion of AMOLOD:

*I rented this after watching a clip of the first 5 mins at college and was eager to know what happened next.
After watching it, I still can't make up my mind whether I enjoyed it or not.
Everyone in this film is from Upper Class England. The script is very wordy and laced with words like 'Tally-Ho' which ground me down after a while.
I got very bored in the last 20 minutes, I think they could have made more of the court scene.
I'm sure a lot of you will disagree as this film always appears in top 100 lists.*

Clinton Morgan

My turn again...

GREAT EXPECTATIONS (the David Lean version)
as reviewed by lisarules25 from California

The book was bad, but the movie was even worse. They screwed up the ending, and the ages of the characters. In the book Pip was like thirteen when he left the forge, and in the movie he looked like thirty or something.

Tune in next week for more insightful comments on Film 05.

Wetherby Pond

I picked Kind Hearts and Coronets as for me it's one of the most flawless British films ever made (plot, acting, visuals, matchless blend of refinement and utterly sick humour), but not everyone agrees. Here, for instance, is "Alohajoe" of Estes Park, Colorado:

I rented this waste of time because of all the rave reviews it got regarding Sir Alec Guiness playing something like 10 parts. For all he did they may as well have taken 10 pictures of him in different make up and then put the movie camera on them. It would have been more exciting. There is no redeeming quality to this piece of crap. I'm well versed in all genres of movies from all countries and this is not a matter of the British dry humor. It's a matter of just plain boredom. My girlfriend still has not forgiven me for making her watch this. You don't care about any of the characters, you don't care about anything but the end and only that because it has FINALLY ended. I would have hit the stop button much earlier but my girlfriend for some perverse reason has to finish every movie NO MATTER HOW BAD IT IS! Then I get the blame for terrible cinema. Don't waste you time on this tragic waste celluloid. How any critic, person found this to be enjoyable is way beyond me. This is one movie that could have easily been destroyed by fire and the world would have been left a better place. Don't fall for any of the lies that praise this tribute to boredom.

Well, that's told me and no mistake.

birdman

Seeing as Thirty nine steps is a recent thread, here is a review from a Canadian Philistine

"The fact that this version of The 39 Steps is considered one of the top #250 films of all time on this site pays sad tribute to the willingness of so-called film fans to support anything done by anyone they revere.

In fact, both this film and the 1934 version of The Man Who Knew Too Much merely demonstrate that Hitchcock had yet to find a creative voice. Bogged down by the camp over-acting that dogged film immediately following the silent era, both should be regarded as curious early attempts at film-making by a master and nothing else. Given the number of votes this film has received despite its relative scarcity, I have to say "for shame" to those who ranked this highly because it was made by Hitchcock without having seen it first.

Although some of the atrociousness of the first attempt at filming Buchan's excellent novel can be put down to the quality of productions during the day, it isn't the only reason this clunker failed miserably. In fact, how this terrible, terrible film can be ranked above the far more entertaining 1950s version starring Kenneth More is beyond me. Though attempting to remain faithful to the book, the first version is bogged down by stoic, wooden performances, absolutely laughable direction by Hitchcock and pacing that would put a coffee bean to sleep.

Donat was a light-weight far better suited to feel-good vehicles like Goodbye, Mr Chips and The Magic Box than the adventure films that made him famous: witness his laboured perfomances in the Dietrich-vehicle Knight without Armour and the first 'talkie' version of the Count of Monte Cristo. Madelein Carroll is truly waifish and weak in the kind of demeaning way all women of the era were portrayed, any moments of acid tongue quickly reverting to being pulled along by the wrist and 'saved' by Donat at every occasion. The laughable climax at the "Mr. Memory" show that works so well in the original novel comes across as camp and heavy handed here, and is a long way from the ease with which the same plot device is employed in the Ray Milland classic "The Manchurian Candidate".

Ultimately, there may be one redeemable feature to this early stinker is the first -- albeit uncredited -- appearance of classic British television actor Wilfred Bramble, who would go on to star alongside the Beatles in "A Hard Days Night" and as the lead in Steptoe and Son, the show that prompted the U.S. hit Sanford and Son. "

Nuff said

birdman

Oh Lord preserve me from our Yankee allies!! Here are two about the Third Man from over the pond.

I find the first comment alluding to having seen the plot since particularly amusing. In his last sentence the simpleton seems to have missed the point that it has to be done somewhere first.

"Long, boring melodrama that's what I'd call a "bone-ified" classic, not a bona fide classic as Maltin would have us believe. It's old-fashioned at best with annoying music done solely on a zither, which turns possibly intense scenes into a circus-like atmosphere. The over acting doesn't help and the story line is muddled and confusing. Even the so-called good cinematography looks obvious but does offer a few eye-catching shots of black and white contrasts. The premise is slightly intriguing but predictable in the wake of similar plots since"

"This is the type of movie that should be interesting, but it just isn't. It was really a chore to sit through the entire film. The only reason I didn't turn it off is that it was on the AFI Top 100 of all time. The music is especially bad. It seems like it would fit better in a Hawaiian beach movie than a film set in post-war Vienna. "

Of course, Hungarian folk music originated in Hawaii. You learn something new every day.

Lord Brett

"The laughable climax at the "Mr. Memory" show that works so well in the original novel comes across as camp and heavy handed here, and is a long way from the ease with which the same plot device is employed in the Ray Milland classic "The Manchurian Candidate". "

Just to put the absurd views of the twit who posted the above review of 39 Steps in context, John Buchan's original novel has a completely different ending (which is why remakes have changed the ending again - the Buchan ending is a real letdown - unless, like the Kenneth Moore version, they are specifically remakes of Hitchcock's film).

Also, Ray Milland isn't in The Manchurian Candidate, which I'm sure you all knew already!

Freddy

Criticism can be useful if offered constructively, however we have two concerning Lawrence Of Arabia which fall down on every respect.
I have reprinted them in full. no editing whatsoever!

The first is from close to home Manchester

This film left me almost breathless - I nearly died of boredom!! Four hours of absolute guff. Oooooh wow look at the shot of Omar Sharif riding out of the mirage,imagine what kind of lens could make that shot possible zzzzzzzzzzz Who cares? It couldn't have been that hard to spot him - astronauts have reported being able to see his nose from outta space! And people wax lyrical over the fact that David lean shot a sunrise for real - whats so good about that? The battles were terrible, there's no sense of being involved it's so fake. Most of the film consists of camera moving left to right over yet another sand dune - it's like being on a really boring journey and never getting to the destination.If it wasn't for the music everyone would hate this film. No women in the film at all, plenty of camels but no camel toe. If watching a bunch of thesps mincing around the desert like they were in a Turkish mardi gras for four hours is your bag you'll love it. This film stank like a sand camel's gusset.

This is from New Hampshire, America

BORING, self-important, you don't care about the characters

Even granting that the cinematography is okay, it's like watching an Internet Camera focused on the desert 24 hours a day.

regards
Freddy

"What I owe you Colonel Lawrence, is beyond evaluation."