Harleybloke

Warren Mitchell did an LP of WW1 Trench songs, spiced up with a little bit of 'Alf Garnett' here & there................

.....You couldn't hear it, if they were shooting at me with howitzers!

billy bentley

My uncle John had that LP I can still picture the cover Warren/Alf in his Tommy's tin helmet.

ShirlGirl

Actually it was "Balham, Gateway to the South". A big favourite of mine, it still makes me laugh even though I know what's coming.

Steve Crook

"Bal Ham, Gateway to the South"
Even better when you know the real Balham

RealPlayer Audio (6 mins)

We enter Bal Ham through the verdant grasslands of Battersea Park, and at once we are aware that here is a land of happy, contented people who go about their daily tasks in truly democratic spirit.

This is busy High Street, focal point of the town's activities. Note the quaint old stores, whose frontages are covered with hand-painted inscriptions, every one a rare example of native Bal Ham art. Let us read some of them as our camera travels past.

"Cooking apples! Choice eaters!"
"A song to remember at the Tantamount Cinema!"
"A suit to remember at Montague Moss!"
"Cremations conducted with decorum and taste."
"Fight tonight. Bring your own paper."
"Rally Thursday, Berkeley Square. Viscountess Lewisham and Mrs Vera Legge. Up the ruling classes!"

This shows the manifold activities of Bal Ham's thriving community - but in quiet corners, we still find examples of the exquisite workmanship that Bal Ham craftsmen have made world-famous: tooth brush holesmanship.

"On my porch, I carve the little holes in the top of toothbrushes. It is exciting work and my forefathers have been engaged upon it since 1957. [Coughs] The little holes in the top are put in manually, or, in other words, once a year. I recently had the honour of demonstrating my craft before the Holy of Highs. He stopped by one day for a couple of words. I did not understand either of them."

So much for Bal Ham's industries. Now let us see a little more of the town. Here is the great park, covering nearly half an acre. This is where the children traditionally meet by the limpid waters of the old drinking fountain, a drinking fountain that has for countless years, across the vast aeons of time, give untold pleasure to man, woman and child. Beside this fountain, donated by Able Councillor Quills as long ago as 1928, the little ones sit around a trim nursemaid and listen spellbound and enchanted as she reads them a story.

"With one bound, he was by her side. Nora felt his hot breath on her cheek as he ripped the thin silk from--"

We are now entering Old Bal Ham. Time has passed by this remote corner; so shall we.

But Bal Ham is not neglecting the cultural side. This is Eugene Quills, whose weekly recitals are attended by a vast concord of people. He has never had a lesson in his life. Such is the enthusiasm of Bal Ham's music lovers that they are subscribing to a fund to send Eugene to Italy. Or Vienna. Or anywhere...

Night falls on Bal Ham.

From Quill's Folly, Bal Ham's famous beauty spot, which stands nearly ten feet above sea level, the town is spread below us in a fairyland of glittering lights, changing all the time: green... amber... red... red and amber... and back to green. The night life is awakening!

The Al Morocco Tea Rooms...

"Hey, miss?"
"Yes? What d'you want?"
"Pilchards."
"They're off, dear."
"Oh. Baked beans?"
"Off."
"Oh. Meat --- meat loaf salad?"
"That's off, too."
"Pot of tea?"
"No tea, dear."
"Well, just milk then."
"Milk's off."
"Roll and butter, then?"
"No butter, dear."
"Well, just a roll!"
"Only bread, love."
"I might have just as well have stayed at home!"
"Oh, I dunno, does you good to have a fling occasionally!"

And so the long night draws on. The last stragglers make their way home and the lights go out one by one as dawn approaches and the bell of Saint Quills' Parish Church tolls ten o'clock. Bal Ham sleeps. And so we say farewell to this historic borough, with many pleasant memories -- and the words of C. Quills Smith, Bal Ham's own bard, burning in our ears...

Broad-bosomed, bold, becalmed, benign
Lies Bal Ham, four-square on the Northern Line.
Matched by no marvel save in Eastern scene
A rose-red city, half as Golders Green
By country churchyard, ferny fen and mere
What Quills mute inglorious lies buried here?
Oh stands the church clock at ten to three?
And is there honey still for tea?

"Honey's off, dear."



Wonderful stuff

Steve

wadsy

According to the book "The Great British Picture Show"(George Perry),

The Balham Empire was the first exclusive film theatre in England!

It supposedly had a two hour programme running in 1907!

bhowells

I was listening last night to a Stan Freburg compilation that I recently bought, absolute genius.

For younger comedy fans coming to Stan Freburg for the first time a knowledge of the type of songs he parodied from the fifties would be useful but not essential. Freburg had that same gift for anarchy as Spike Jones and his City Slickers.

Mention must be made of Stan's team members on record, Daws Butler who voiced many cartoon characters for Hanna Barbera and June Foray also a voice artist.

The aformemenitioned were not household names but their voices will be very familiar to all classic cartoon fans.

On "Shboom," Daws Butler does a voice which is very similar to his Mr Jinks voice from the Pixie and Dixie cartoons.

A shame that Butler and June Foray were never given a credit on the original records.

bhowells

It was Paul Burnett who did Fun At One. Iremember hearing one of George Carlins skits on radio around this time but I am not sure if it was played on Fun At One.

It may have been played on Radio Two by the late Ciritic and broadcaster, Peter Clayton a font of knowledge on music and the arts, he often played comedy records.

The Moose is a classic. Mel Brooks's sketch about the 2 thousand year old man was another favourite oft heard on Fun At One.

billy bentley

Have we forgotten the wonderful Stanley Unwin. His "Rotatey Diskers" is available on CD (I have the lp) and we mustn't forget his appearance on the Small Faces' classic "Ogden's Nut Gone Flake". Deep Joy.

apricot

My Favourite, as a kid and one I haven't heard for many a long year was,
Please Mr Custer by Charlie Drake.

faginsgirl

Ernie
Always look on the bright side of life
lazy sunday afternoon (oh wouldn`t it be nice to get on wiv me neighbours ) always makes me smile.

xx

We`re changin` lodggggggggings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

julian_craster

Remember 'The Singing Postman' ? Norfolk's finest !

Wikipedia:
Allan Smethurst - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

CD: The 'Singing Postman' Collection
http://www.goodmusic.co.uk/pages/pro...filiate=WW1486

His gentle manner, his distinctive dialect and his witty and amusing songs. This bicycling balladeer entertained us in a completely unique way, and became a TV favourite in the 1960s!
Featuring his title signature tune 'Hev You Gotta Loight Boy?' , as well as a host of other original songs.


TRACKS ON CD :

Repertoire
Hev You Gotta Loight Boy?
A Miss From Diss
Oi Can't Get A Noice Loaf A Bread
Dew Yer Father Keep A Dickey?
Come Along a Me
The Cricket Match
Moind Ver Hid Boy
Sound Barrier
They're Orl Playin' Dommies In The Bar
Wass The Bottom Dropped Out
Oi Shot A Rabbit Up A Tree
The Postman's Lament
Motor Bike Song
Who's That Little Old Boy
The Train Robbery
Are Yew Orl Roight Boy
The Poacher's Lament
Charlie In The Winta Toime
Railway Song
Wot Are You On Holiday
The Washday Song
Clock In The Biscuit Tin
Following The Boinder Round

sippog

I've just transfered MARTY (Marty Feldman) a 1969 BBC LP containing some of his greatest sketches onto CD using the brilliant SoundSoap software by BIAS to remove the snap crackle & pop (pricey but produces great results).

This has the wonderful "Funny he never married "sketch on it as well as "God" and "Headmaster".

There's a version of "Funny He Never Married" on YouTube, I notice, with Orson Welled (taken presumably from MF's USA tv show) but it's like elephants doing a pas de deux compared to the Tim Brooke Taylor version. It might be heretical but I always thought Feldman was better on the radio - the silent comedy schtick gives me the pip.

autolycus

I wonder if anyone remembers who produced a record - was it Gerald someone - giving advice to tourists in London: "When entering a railway carriage, be sure to shake hands with all your fellow passengers"; "all London brothels display a blue light" and other useful information??

And on a darker note, a quick mention for the Downliners Sect - who could forget "The Sect Sing Sick Songs" (from the swinging sixties)?

bhowells

This sounds a bit like Gerald Hoffnung to me, but I am not sure. Have a look at Gerald Hoffnung on Wiklopedia. If the sketch in question is the work of Hoffnung have a look also at Amazon, I have just done a search and there are three ablums available by him.

I have been aware of his comedy records for many years but have never purchased any, but I am sure other members of the forum may advise you.

Hope this is of some help to you.

BHOWELLS

autolycus

That's the fellow - many thanks.