Laughs

[David Brent]

I see the MERRY CHRISTMAS lights have gone up on the home page cinema to this site.

The Festive Season will soon be with us again & in the lead-up to the big day i thought this would be a great time to not only share knowledge and experiences with each other but to also share our favourite jokes.

Nice clean wholesome jokes that will not offend (unless your French).

I'll start the ball rolling...please join in.



Taffy and Paddy were walking in a field when they came upon a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence.

Being an old sheep shagger Taffy thinks this is too good an oportunity to miss and makes love to the sheep while Paddy looks on.

"OK Paddy, it's now your turn" say's Taffy.

So Paddy bent down...and put his head through the fence.



Christmas Cheers neener



Dave.

[DB7]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...



She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.



As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.



"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.





"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

moon

[Marky B]

A red Indian drank eight gallons of tea every day for most of his life. He later died,drowning in his own teepee (tea pee)! hysteric

Ta Ta

Marky B thumbs_u

PS:Make sure you don't say wigwam in the punchline hysteric hysteric

[Brian Brandt]

A snail was in a garden eating lettuce when she was mugged by a pair of snails, who stole her purse. She went to the police station to report the crime.



Desk sergeant: "Now, ma'am, just tell us what went on."



Snail: "I...I don't know officer. It all happened so fast."

[Freddy]

DB 7 the inflatable pupil, first day at his new inflatable school. Walks into his inflatable classroom, sits at his inflatable desk on his inflatable chair and begins to listen to the speech from his new inflatable teacher. Ten minutes later he gets bored, sharpens his pencil and deflates the inflatable pupil sitting in front of him. punctures his desk, his chair, goes around deflating all the inflatable pupils, their desks and chairs, punctures the inflatable teacher and then in one grand gesture punctures the school walls and then finally himself.



Three days later he wakes up in a hospital bed with sticking plasters all over his partly inflated body. He turns to see his punctured teacher in the next bed looking at him.



"Well DB minor", says the teacher " you have let the school down, the pupils down and yourself down"



Freddy

who from now until new year will be drinking in the Bar Humbug

doh

[ollie]

A young Bull and an old bull in't top field,



Young Bull excitedly ..."i know let's run down the hill smash through the gate,grab one of those Cows,and Shag her brains out!"



Old Bull calmly... "lets walk down, open the gate and SHAG EM ALL!!" wink



cheers Ollie.

[ollie]

Abstract.



Two fish in a tank...,one says to the other,"can you drive this? cause i cant."



cheers Ollie.

[Brian Brandt]

Two atoms were sitting at a bar.



1st atom: (Looking at floor) You know, I lost an electron around here.



2nd atom: You sure?



1st atom: Oh, yeah. I'm positive!

[Brian Brandt]

Same bar. A neutron walks in, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him.



Neutron: How much?



Bartender: For you...no charge.

[DB7]

"President" Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.



The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".



One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.



" No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."



A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."



"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss."



The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"



Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."



"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"



"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fecking accident either".

[Johnny English]

Why do farts smell?

For the benefit of the deaf

[Johnny English]

Sean had the misfortune to have a nasty accident on an Irish building site and had to have both ears amputated.

Some months later Sean's ready to return to work.

The foreman pulled the building workers aside to tell them of Sean's return and warned "Listen lads,what ever you do dont mention anything about Sean's ears it will only upset him."

They all agreed.

Sean's first day back and he's greeted by Paddy.

"Look at you Sean you look so well" said Paddy "And obviously your eyesights improving."

"Eyesight improving?"questions Sean "what makes you say that Paddy?"

And Paddy replies "Well Sean, you're not wearing your glasses".

[Steve Crook]

ollie:

A young Bull and an old bull in't top field,



Young Bull excitedly ..."i know let's run down the hill smash through the gate,grab one of those Cows,and Shag her brains out!"



Old Bull calmly... "lets walk down, open the gate and SHAG EM ALL!!" wink



cheers Ollie.

Have you seen Colors (1988)? That joke makes a couple of appearances in that film.



Interesting film. Brutal & unrelenting. It doesn't offer any solutions (in fact it suggests that none are possible), but it lays out the problems for those of us lucky enough not to have experienced them.



Steve

[ollie]

SteveCrook:

Have you seen Colors (1988)? That joke makes a couple of appearances in that film.



Interesting film. Brutal & unrelenting. It doesn't offer any solutions (in fact it suggests that none are possible), but it lays out the problems for those of us lucky enough not to have experienced them.



Steve

Steve is that the Robert duval,sean penn cop/ gang culture film? if it is i saw it way back when released but i dont associate that joke with it,the joke funny or not? has allways been a fave with me even when i was younger,and i used it to help me stop and think sometimes!!!

"ahh the impetuousity of youth" lol doh



cheers Ollie.

[Steve Crook]

Steve is that the Robert duval,sean penn cop/ gang culture film? if it is i saw it way back when released but i dont associate that joke with it,the joke funny or not? has allways been a fave with me even when i was younger,and i used it to help me stop and think sometimes!!!

"ahh the impetuousity of youth" lol doh



cheers Ollie.

That's the film.



Duval tells it to Penn as part of his training in Duval's way of dealing with the gamgs. Although shortly afterwards Penn goes off on a wild car chase & wrecks Duval's car. Then, at the end, Penn is training his new partner and tries to tell him the same joke - but he messes it up.



Steve

[Steve Crook]

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendré - so the barman gives her one clap



Steve

[Marky B]

A young American schoolgirl wins a competition to fly with President Bush on Air Force One. She is welcomed on board by President Bush,First Lady Laura Bush,Secretary of State Condolooza Rice and handful of the crew. Air Force One takes off and they are flying across the USA when the aircraft hits a technical problem and starts descending sharply. All of the crew jump out,leaving the four passengers - but there are only three parachutes left.

President Bush:"I will have to go. I am the leader of the free world,and it needs me in this time of trouble." So he jumps out.

Laura Bush:"I will have to go. I am the First lady and the President needs me by his side in this time of trouble." So she jumps.

Secretary of State Rice:"Honey," she says to the girl. "There is only one parachute left,and as you are the future,I insist you take the last parachute. They will find another for my job,but you have a future ahead of you. So go."

Young Girl:"No,ma'am,there are still two parachutes."

Rice:"What do you mean?"

Young Girl:"Mr President took my school satchel"

hysteric hysteric hysteric

[ollie]

Q How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?.....

A 1 they dont like to share the spot light darling.

0R

A 1 but 536 auditioned for the part.



cheers Ollie.

[sippog]

ollie:

Q How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?.....

A 1 they dont like to share the spot light darling.

0R

A 1 but 536 auditioned for the part.

One to change the bulb and 255 to say: "I could have done that better!"

[sippog]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar and the barman said: "What is this? Some kind of joke?"



[Postmodern joke}