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  • #16
    Joe unfortunately weighed over 30 stone in weight at the moment of his death, along came the undertaker and said "Oh boy this is going to be a massive UNDERTAKING!" Yes I know I just made this one up and it hurts.

    Comment


    • #17

      Comment


      • #18
        In WW2, when the London Rubber Company received an order from Russia for one million Durex condoms of 340mm x 420mm (to protect shells stored in the open) the executives decided to seek advice from the government. Their enquiries were escalated to Cabinet level, and Prime Minister Churchill took a particular interest. He asked to speak to the MD of LRC and they were connected by phone.

        Churchill: This order...from Russia...what do you think about it?

        MD: Well sir, it's great business. The non-standard specification means we can charge what we like, and a million....it's just the possible political questions, we thought it best to ask. We have an open export licence, so that's no problem, we just thought about permission or something....

        Churchill: I can't see any problems there....here's what you do: work out a good price for them; make them; send them; on each one mark them - MADE IN ENGLAND. MEDIUM SIZE.

        Comment


        • #19
          A twofer!

          Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
          A. Well-hung

          Q. What's the difference between a straight girl and a bi girl?
          A. Two gin and tonics

          Comment


          • #20
            DUBIOUS RECOMMENDATIONS

            To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
            In my opinion you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.

            To describe a person who is totally inept:
            I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.

            To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
            I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.

            To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
            I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.

            To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
            I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.

            To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
            All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by rjd0309 View Post
              DUBIOUS RECOMMENDATIONS

              To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
              In my opinion you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.

              To describe a person who is totally inept:
              I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.

              To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
              I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.

              To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
              I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.

              To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
              I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.

              To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
              All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.
              Reminds me of the Peter Ustinov (born in Britain) story about the army colonel assessing recruits and rating one: "He sets himself extremely low standards...which he fails to achieve."

              Comment


              • #22
                Not sure if I posted this in The Other Place...

                The Freudian concept that spelling mistakes are sexual in nature is a phallusy

                Comment


                • #23
                  In his Sunday sermon, the Vicar mentioned that he keeps two male parrots at the vicarage, in a large cage and loves them very much. He calls them his "boys" and not only are they the best-behaved parrots in Christendom, they are also the most pious. When they spoke, they only recited guiding verses from the good book, and the rest of the time they were deep, deep in prayer, their little eyes clamped tight and their little wings clenched together, with their little beaks going like mad in prayer and supplication.

                  After the service, a woman approached him and reminded him that they had both been instrumental in the campaign to close the local brothel, and that she rescued a couple of parrots when it was cleared out. She said that these female parrots were the most foul-mouthed, filthy-minded and evil creatures and she wondered if the vicar would like to take them in for instruction and improvement, which he agreed to do.

                  She took the cage round and it was placed on a large table beside the "boys" cage where - true to form - they were deep, deep in prayer, their little eyes clamped tight, their little wings clenched tightly together and their little beaks going like mad in prayer and supplication.

                  After a while, the new arrivals settled down a little, and reverted to normality. "Hello ducky, wanna good time then, eh? Come and get yer leg over." The other one chimed in: "show us yer nickers, fill yer boots, get on with it..." The other one retorted with some much more vulgar and encouraging lines...and one of the "boys" opened one eye and for once in his life stopped praying, with his beak wide open.

                  Slowly, he shuffled along the perch to where the other boy was deep, deep in prayer, and nudged him. "Don't look now" he said quietly, "...but I think our prayers have finally been answered."

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    I hear Elton John is No.1 in the North Korea Singles Chart, with his song .... (wait for it!) "Rocket Man"!

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Insults From Years Gone By

                      These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

                      A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
                      "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

                      "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

                      "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

                      "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

                      "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

                      "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

                      "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

                      "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

                      "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
                      "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

                      "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

                      "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

                      "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

                      "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

                      "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

                      "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

                      "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

                      "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

                      "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

                      "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

                      "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

                      "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

                      "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Shirley Brahms View Post


                        ..........
                        HAHA cant stop laughing

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Shirley Brahms View Post
                          Insults From Years Gone By

                          These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

                          A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
                          "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

                          "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

                          "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

                          "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

                          "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

                          "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

                          "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

                          "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

                          "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
                          "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

                          "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

                          "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

                          "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

                          "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

                          "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

                          "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

                          "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

                          "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

                          "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

                          "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

                          "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

                          "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

                          "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
                          "She's so loose, she's only held together by screws!" - Zaba Dak

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            A grizzly bear enters a bar and sits on the bar stool and requests a glass of beer and a package of chips.

                            The barman serves the bear and says, "That will be five dollars please," to which the grizzly pays.

                            The barman stands for some time cleaning a glass and then says, "You know, we don't get many grizzlies in here."

                            The bear replies, "I'm not f.... surprised, at these prices!"

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

                              This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:
                              Rebecca and Gary.

                              English 44A
                              SMU
                              Creative Writing
                              Prof. Miller
                              In-class Assignment for Wednesday

                              Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

                              ----------------------------------------------------------------

                              At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

                              Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

                              He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

                              Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

                              This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

                              Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered, tedious, neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

                              Asshole.

                              Bitch.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Brilliant!

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