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  • #31
    Yes - that tickled my fun-bumps!


    • #32
      Originally posted by Shirley Brahms View Post
      Insults From Years Gone By

      These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

      A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
      "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

      "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

      "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

      "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

      "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

      "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

      "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

      "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

      "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
      "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

      "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

      "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

      "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

      "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

      "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

      "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

      "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

      "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

      "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

      "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

      "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

      "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

      "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
      Churchill was the master of the political insult, describing his wartime deputy who replaced him as Prime Minister post war as "a sheep in sheep's clothing" and, more woundingly "an empty cab drew up and Mr. Attlee got out".
      The two classics, however, are his run ins with two formidable women:-
      Lady Astor: "If you were my husband I would poison your coffee"
      Churchill: "If you were my wife I'd drink it"
      and during a speech in the commons where he was clearly the worst for wear:
      Bessie Braddock: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk"
      Churchill: "And you madam are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober"


      • #33
        Curt is all excited about his new rifle. So he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little black bear, and he kills it with one shot.

        At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big brown bear. The bear says, "I saw that. You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death, or two, we have sex. Bend over."

        Curt bends over.

        He's sore for two days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Curt heads out on another trip to Alaska, and he finds the brown bear and kills him.

        At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly bear is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex. Bend over."

        Curt bends over.

        He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point-blank range.

        At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar bear eyes him suspiciously and says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"


        • #34
          A man sits down at a bar.

          "Wow, you're really handsome!"

          He looks around, can't see anyone.

          "My, do you work out?"

          Still no-one in sight!

          "Barman, you may think I'm mad, and not that I'm complaining, but I keep hearing a voice saying nice things about me!"

          "Oh, that would be the peanuts, they're complementary..."


          • #35


            • #36


              • #37
                Did you know that ice cream is mentioned in the Bible. Walls of Jericho is talked about in The Old Testament


                • #38
                  A Turkish man has moved in next door.
                  I was in my garden the other day and saw him leaning out of his upstairs window, shaking a rug.
                  I said; "What's up mate? won't it start?"


                  • #39
                    After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

                    After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell-ringers job. The bishop was incredulous.

                    "You have no arms!", said the bishop.

                    "No matter," said the man, "observe!"

                    He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

                    Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

                    The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

                    "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

                    -- {You want more, you say?}

                    The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame.

                    The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

                    The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

                    Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

                    "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


                    • #40
                      ...All of which reminds me of the one about Quasimodo walking into a pub.

                      He lopes up to the bar and shouts: "Scotch whisky please"

                      The Barman surveys the range of whiskies - Teachers, Bells, Famous Grouse, Glenmorangie etc on the shelf behind him and asks: "Bells alright?"

                      "No idea" shouts the hunchback "I'm on holiday".


                      • #41
                        THE MALE GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

                        We need = I want

                        It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

                        Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

                        We need to talk = I need to complain

                        Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

                        I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

                        You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

                        You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

                        Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

                        This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

                        I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

                        I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

                        Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

                        I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

                        Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

                        How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

                        I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

                        Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

                        You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

                        We agreed to compromise = As long as I get what I want

                        Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

                        Yes = No

                        No = No

                        Maybe = No

                        I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

                        Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

                        Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

                        I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

                        Stick to the point = I am going to dredge up ancient history

                        All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

                        THE FEMALE GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH

                        I'm hungry = I'm hungry

                        I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

                        I'm tired = I'm tired

                        Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

                        Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

                        Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

                        May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

                        Nice dress = Nice cleavage

                        You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

                        What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

                        What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

                        What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

                        I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

                        I love you = Let's have sex now

                        I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now

                        Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

                        Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look much different

                        Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

                        Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

                        I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home


                        • #42
                          Explaining the ins and outs of cricket to a foreigner.

                          Two teams are in the clubhouse and the field team goes out. Two players from the batting team go out and then they are in. The field players have to get the in batsmen out. When an in batsman is out he goes in and is replaced by another who comes out to be in. The in batsmen remain in to build their score before they are out. The winning team is the one which gets all the in players out. Then they go in and the other team comes out to be in until the other team gets them out and they go in. When this is done enough times, the in batsmen are all out and they go in . The other team's batsmen go out so they are in until they are out, and then they go in. This is repeated for up to 5 days.


                          • #43
                            A guy walked up to a bar and sat down next to an attractive blonde. He leaned towards her and said, "Hi Blondie! Listen, I've got a really great blonde joke to tell you!"

                            The blonde turned to him and gave him a withering look. "I have to tell you that I'm a black belt in karate. And see those other two blondes at the bar? The first one is a champion kickboxer, and the other blonde is a professional bodybuilder."

                            "Now, do you STILL want to tell your blonde joke?", she asked.

                            He replied, "Well, not if I'm going to have to explain it THREE times."


                            • #44
                              A brunette goes to the doctor and tells him she has pains all over her body.

                              "Doctor, it hurts here, here, here, here and here!" she says, pointing to and touching various bits.

                              "Hmm," says the doctor. "Did you use to be blonde, by any chance?"

                              "Why yes!" exclaims the girl. "How did you guess?"

                              "You've broken your finger!"


                              • #45
                                A man goes to the doctor, and says "Doctor, can you help me? I've got a strawberry growing on my head."

                                The doctor thinks for a minute and then says "I've got some cream for that."
                                Last edited by Big Figure; 5th October 2017, 06:41 PM.