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  • #46
    Two nuns were assigned the job of painting one of the rooms in the convent. The last thing that the Mother Superior told them was that under no circumstances were they to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

    After conferring a few minutes, the nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

    A little while later, there came a knock at the door.

    "Who is it," called out one of the nuns.

    "Blind man," came the reply from the other side of the door.

    The nuns decided that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room, so they opened the door.

    "Nice tits," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"


    • #47
      The Mother Superior calls the nuns to assembly and announces:
      "Sisters, I am shocked to announce that we have discovered a case of Chlamydia in the Convent"
      Blushes and gasps ripple around the room then a voice from the back sniggers "Thank God for that! I'm bloody sick of Chardonnay!"

      The Mother Superior glares at the offending nun and loudly snaps:
      "Sister Marjorie! YOU are the scourge of this Convent and I am heartily sick of your Godless attitude! Leave this room at once and do not return until your conduct is more becoming of this Holy Chapter!"
      Sister Marjorie leaves in silence and when she has gone, The Mother Superior announces to the remaining assembly:
      "From now on until further notice, it is forbidden to speak with Sister Marjorie and if she enters a room you must get up and leave at once".
      The assembly is dismissed.

      Several hours later, Sister Marjorie stumbles into the busy dining hall, her habit crumpled and torn, a large oily hand-print on her derrière, her hair dishevelled and one of her shoes missing.
      "You won't believe this!" she shouts, "but I wandered into town, and down at the dockside there's a ship load of randy seafarers just arrived in port! they are drunken, boisterous and crazed with lust! walking through the market square I was goosed twice, had my breasts groped five times and got pinned to the wall and snogged by six different sailors!"
      All thirty seven nuns in the dining hall put down their cutlery and with a loud scraping of chairs, they all stand up in unison and quickly file out of the hall without acknowledging, answering or even looking at Sister Marjorie, who looks nonplussed until the last one leaves the room.

      Then she shouts down the corridor behind them:
      "Calm down, you've plenty of time; they're on shore leave for another two weeks yet!"


      • #48
        On the subject of nuns, I presume everyone knows this.


        • #49
          All I know about nuns is that they always used to go around in pairs, so that one nun could make sure the other nun got none.


          • #50
            A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

            Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

            On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

            He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

            "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

            He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

            He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:



            • #51
              Shoreditch Church, a large devotional edifice in London's Bishopsgate area, changed its massive outdoor notice-board message every week. It was normally an encouraging spiritual quip, warning or greeting. One week they put up: If You're Tired Of Sin, Come In.After a couple of days, a local wag had added in graffiti - If You're NOT...come along to number 174 and ask for Flossie.


              • #52
                Two mates walking along. One says: "I know, we could go for a swim in the council pool." The other one says: "That would be fine, but I'm banned from there."
                "Why's that?"
                "I peed in the water."
                "A lot of people do that, it's no big deal."
                "Yes, but not from the high diving board............"


                • #53
                  Woman: Waiter, are these eggs fresh?
                  Waiter: Dunno miss, I only laid the waitress!


                  • #54
                    An old man was on his deathbed trying to hang on to life. All of a sudden he could smell chocolate-chip cookies baking in the kitchen.

                    "I've got to have one of those cookies if it's the last thing I do," he said.

                    He gathered has fast-waning strength, rolled out of the bed and landed supine onto the floor. He dragged himself painfully along the rug out to the hall and into the kitchen. Finally he reached the table and raised his withered hand up to the plate of cookies.

                    WHACK! His wife hits his hand with the spatula.

                    "What the hell was that for?", he asked.

                    She responded, "Those cookies are for the funeral."


                    • #55
                      I don't know if true stories/practical jokes are allowed, but I'll try a couple anyway, as they're both quite funny.

                      An old-style office block with a Commissonaire called Reg at the reception desk, some chairs for waiting and some coat-hooks for the staff to leave their overcoats. The most unpopular member of staff, a grumpy old no-mates nearing retirement, always wore a brown Trilby hat and he bought a new one from the nearby shop. Reg saw an amusing situation, probably learned in the army, and rang up to a staffer he got on well with, and told him about it. At lunchtime, the staffer went to the same shop and bought the same hat but one size bigger. He swapped the hats over and gave the original one to Reg.
                      Watched by Reg at close of play, Grumpy collected his hat and coat and went on his way.
                      Next morning, Grumpy arrived, with a well-fitting hat, hung it up and went up to his desk. Reg had a good look and found that Grumpy had lined the inner band with rolled-up newspaper to make it tight. So Reg switched hats, but put the rolled-up newspaper in the original hat, which was now too small.
                      Next morning, Grumpy came in, hung up his hat, which fitted perfectly. There was no newspaper, and Reg swapped it for the larger size, again with no newspaper.. The next day there was the rolled-up paper again, which was changed over, and this went on for a few days, Grumpy became mystified as to why either the hat or his head was changing size on a regular basis. Absent from work one morning, the rumour was that Grumpy was consulting a doctor, but as always in a big office building the truth was revealed and Grumpy became even grumpier.
                      The second was when one of the managers had to go to Sweden to see the boss of Volvo, who was at that time Per Gyllenhammar, a speaker of perfect English. But he thought it would be impressive and good form to learn how to greet in Swedish and he consulted a member of staff who happened to be Swedish.
                      After a few lunchtime sessions in the local pub, the manager got the phrase perfect, intonation and all, and off he went to Gothenburg.
                      On arrival, he was introduced and performed his well-practised party-piece.
                      Volvo boss said "I think it's better if we speak English" and over a VIP lunch in the executive suite, Gyllenhammar revealed that the carefully tutored phrase actually meant: "I hear you've got the biggest one in the country". And he added "Which is not true, by the way."
                      Some stern words were spoken on the manager's return to London.
                      Last edited by Judge Foozle; 14th October 2017, 12:17 AM.


                      • #56
                        For those who have studied Latin in school...

                        An ancient Roman walks into a bar and orders "a martinus".

                        "Don't you mean a martini?" asks the barman.

                        "Look," says the Roman. "If I want a double, I'll ask for it."


                        • #57
                          King Harold reviewed his forces on the day before the Battle of Hastings. His Master of all the Warriors reported that King was well protected by a three-line bodyguard. He explained: "Sire, if they should come close, we have some of the finest knifemen in England, who will protect you at close quarters. Cenryk, come here and do your apple trick." Cenryk drew his knife, threw an apple into the air, and on its way down he cut it into four perfect quarters in mid-air. The King was impressed.
                          "Sire, if they approach us in force, we have the finest spearmen in England, who will keep them at bay and protect you. Boswald, come here and do your bubble trick."
                          Boswald blew some bubbles into the air and as they drifted, the Master asked the King to nominate a bubble. He did so and Boswald threw his spear to the precise point and burst the chosen bubble. The King was most impressed.
                          "Sire, to prevent them approaching, we have arrays of the finest bowmen in England to protect you. That man there, come here and demonstrate your bowman skills."
                          The man came over sheepishly and quietly explained that he was no bowman, but delivering the pies. The Master looked around and saw no alternative. "Look," he said, "anyone can fire an arrow, here's a bow, just do something to make the King happy."
                          The pieman clumsily fired an arrow, which shot upwards, came down, veered right, turned left, hit a tree and flopped on to the ground.
                          While the Master was thinking of what to say, King Harold said: "You wanna watch that man. He could have someone's eye out."


                          • #58
                            A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

                            In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

                            The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married."

                            "Why not," giggles the woman.

                            "Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."


                            • #59
                              Why was the bakers hand brown? He kneeded a poo. tee hee hee.


                              • #60
                                One for the girls.

                                FIVE SECRETS FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP.

                                1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.

                                2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

                                3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and who doesn't lie.

                                4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

                                5. It is important that these four men never meet.